A Fat Man's Journey (Working my way back…)

An Attempt to Journey from Fat to Fit in a Lifetime. Eat right, Eat less, Move more


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Three Day Weekend


Picnic Tomorrow.

The boys and Missus and I will pack up and go to a local county park and spend some time skipping stones, maybe flying a kite and then a nice lunch cooked on the grill. Burgers and salads, apples and cupcakes for the boys, veggie burgers, salads and fruits for Missus and Dad.

 

The weather promises to be wonderful, the company will undoubtedly be wonderful and we can but hope that it all comes together and is the wonderful day my imagination paints.  Life with a disabled child can be an adventure and there is no telling how the Older One will deal with all this but we are optimistic.It was a long and frustrating week and I am glad to be a the weekend now. Three days with the Boys and Missus and all will be well with my world.

 

Clothes Shopping with Missus

Something I don’t write about often enough is that Missus has been on a Journey of her own. Well, I should say her Journey is taking place alongside mine. Missus has lost a good deal of weight herself and all her clothing is now way big on her. Tonight we went to the store together and Missus picked out some new pants and a few shirts and she looks wonderful in them. I am not much for sitting and waiting patiently but I was very happy to do so while Missus tried on her clothes. It is a wonderful feeling to know that we have traveled this road together. Between the two of us we have lost the equivalent of a good-sized person, over 160 pounds. Imagine….

While waiting I took some self portraits that I think show the real me:

Getting Goofy

Goofier yet

Goofiest

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Panic and Palpitations…

I am trying to moderate my calorie intake so I can maintain my weight between 200 and 210 pounds. As I learn to do it better I want to hold it between 200 and 205.

The problem is I have been so focused on 1500 to 1800 calories a day for so long that I am getting panicked when I get up over 2000 calories. Yesterday I was at 2200 calories or so for the day and I was so upset about it that I have only had 1600 today and I will not allow myself to have anything else today. I actually had palpitations when I saw how much I had yesterday. Of course the scale says I am fine, 207 pounds today. I know my weight will bob up and down a couple of pounds from day-to-day and so I am not at all panicked that my weight is up two pounds. It was the 2200 calories that freaked me out…. I know that when I step on the scale in the morning I am as likely to find my weight at 205 as I am at 207 as the body works its magic. The issue here is how do I convince my emotions that it is perfectly OK to have 2200 calories a day now?

This freaking out is a double-edged sword. Yes, it helps me avoid overeating and falling back to bad habits. The other edge is that I cannot continue to lose weight indefinitely and getting much below 200 pounds will not be healthy all in all.

Logically, 2200 calories is not that much and is perfectly fine. It is nowhere near the 4500 to 5500 calories a day I was eating that pushed my weight to 305+ pounds. So how do I make this transition without giving myself ulcers?

I truly have to work on it. It is not a good thing to be so frightened that I get dizzy and break out in cold sweat over a couple of hundred calories…

I do have to walk more though. Fitness is key…

Have to allow myself to eat enough. 200-210. That is the plan. Not 100-110…

Sigh.

The rest of the weekend

On Sunday we are driving out to visit the Mom-In-Law. My mother-in-law is a truly wonderful woman. Nothing at all like the stereotypical Mother-in-law. She has never interfered, has always been accepting and loving. We are going in the morning, bringing bagels, lox, cream cheese… We will probably stay two or three hours. It will be a wonderful time. Sunday afternoon we will relax on the deck, play with the dogs, maybe go for a walk.

On Monday PGB and I are driving up to the Rockefeller Preserve for a day hike, maybe 7-10 miles. Afterwards we will return to my home and for a dinner of grilled salmon, served with grilled sweet potato and salads and fruits.

I am counting on this weekend to recharge my badly drained batteries.

Not Sure if I mentioned this…

Surgery in October to repair my damaged knee. Arthroscopic surgery to repair the torn meniscus and ligaments. An Autumn and Winter of rehabilitation and I should be good to go for riding my bike again come spring.

I have no nervousness about this. I know enough people who have had this and similar knee surgery that I have an understanding from their description of their experiences of what to expect. I am glad there is finally a direction forward.

I am still planning to ride High Point to Cape May next year. Perhaps early Summer. I am confident that I can do it over the course of three days. Eighty miles per day is not that much and I am motivated. I will never hike the Appalachian Trail from end to end. I will never ride across the country. I will have High Point to Cape May.

Getting the knee fixed is step one.

I am not sure how long before I will be able to pedal but I am looking at replacing my 27-year-old wind trainer this winter. Something that is more easily adjusted and can better simulate actual riding….

And I still dream of a new bike…

That will have to be a dream deferred.

Farmers Market in the Morning

I love going to the Farmers Market in Boonton.

Boonton is a small town about ten miles from where I live. An old town sitting on a hill, many of the families go back generations in town. I lived there as a small boy and I have always thought of Boonton as one of my home towns. I lived there three more times as an adult and tried to find a home to buy there but we couldn’t find anything a that time that fit our needs.

I still go to Boonton for my haircuts, and I buy my “good clothes” at the Men’s Shop in town. (reminds me, I have to take my suit in to them for tailoring)

And now Missus and I go to the Farmers Market nearly every Saturday.

This trip serves several purposes. Of course we buy produce there. Wonderful and delicious herbs, fruits, and vegetables. Golden Beets, fresh basil, parsley, squash, peaches, plums and tomatoes. Bunches of kale, spinach and Swiss Chard.

It is also time for Missus and her husband (me) to spend some time together. The dogs and the boys at home while we walk around, pick out of fresh greens, stop for a cup of coffee at the local shop… A very nice way to start our weekend.

I will be heartbroken when it closes for the year…

On Being Me

I am starting to understand who I am now. I am finally beginning to realize I am not fat any longer. I am not by any means skinny, but I am decidedly “not fat”.

The main thing I am starting to understand is I am not defined by my body anymore. I was a fat man. That was inescapable. I was defined, by myself and others, by my size. In describing me it had to start with “well he is a really big guy….”

The change I am beginning to understand is that I am now something other than my physical being. I am something as yet not clearly defined or understood entirely but I can now move to another stage. I can be a me undefined at first by physical size but rather defined by the first impression my personality makes. Much to do to really understand this. Just starting to take form in the fog.

I like it.

Peace


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Moving Forward


Reinvention

Here I am at 205 even now and I am still sweating it out. I still worry constantly that my weight will stagnate, I will eat too much, I might gain weight, I might get careless.

I have not been this weight in 30+ years, I have made a habit of eating right and getting exercise and I am still sweating it out.

As I inch towards my new goal of 200 pounds, I am fretting over the weight loss having slowed so much. Silly. I really have to adjust my brain.

I am obsessive about all this, I recognize that of course. I am sure that I am boring some friends with my talk about the weight loss.

I am slowly adjusting. I am growing accustomed to the new me. I will be able to find enough of the old and entertaining me in time. I just have to be this focused right now. I have to learn to stay the me that I am today. Patience friends. If you have never reinvented yourself….

Surgery

So there will finally be a step forward with my knee issue. Surgery in October. As the cycling season is dead for me now anyway, I may as well get it done now so I can be ready come spring to ride again. It is annoying how the medical community is so bound over by the insurance companies. My Doctor knew from the get go that surgery was going to be needed but the insurance companies insist that for a grade one tear they must first try shots and therapy. When they don’t work the insurance jackasses approve the surgery. Time goes by, time is lost. Pain is endured…

At least now I have a way forward. The doctor will clean out the knee, fix the tears and I will be on my way to rehab. The doctor also wants to try “platelet-rich plasma therapy” as it is believed to speed recovery. He thinks he can get the insurance company to approve it as cycling is such a big part of my life and this is a sports related injury. They often will not approve it for people who are otherwise pretty sedentary…

Insurance companies…. I am not a fan but I cannot do without insurance..

The Spirits are Good

No black dog of late. Feeling good really. Work is hell and I am not a happy camper in my work life but how many of us are. Otherwise things go pretty well both in reality and in my head.

Best possible news about a person dear to me and her personal battle. Looks like she has won a decisive and resounding victory and I am hopeful that we can get together soon and CELEBRATE! If that doesn’t put a bounce in your step….

Might see another dear friend this coming holiday weekend. Fingers are crossed.

All of this tends to make the world seem like a better place to be.

The hardest part of the Journey has been not feeding the black dog.

I have learned a great deal about my emotions over these 9 months. I can regulate them better than ever before. That is to say, I can keep my emotions from over-running me. I would think that those close to me will tell you I am a happier person, less volatile, than they knew me to be in the past. Spend nine months learning who you are and things like this will happen.

I know this; I want a simpler life. I would like very much to shed the material stuff and get back to a more basic life. I have to look in to this….

I was in town to see the doctor anyway so I decided to stop in and see a business friend I had not seen in a year or so. On my way n to his place of business I saw a gentleman that worked for me for years and whom I had seen from time to time as he now works for the company I was visiting today.

They didn’t recognize me. These are people I have known for years. Eric, the president of the business, realized it was me after a moment. Kurt, my former employee, had to hear my voice. The office manager who has known me for 15 or more years, didn’t recognize me and when I said my name he eyes flew wide and she asked where my other half was!

I enjoy when that happens. Lifts my spirits..

Gotta Hike.

I think I will call PGB. I am in the mood for a day in the woods. I will see if he is of the mind to join me at the Preserve. I don’t think the knee can handle the steep climbs of the local trails. The Preserve with its more gently rising trails would work better for me. In October I will have the knee fixed and then I will probably not be able to hike at all for a bit so it is now or wait for several months. I have all of September and a good slice of October to get in the hiking.

Planning. It is what I do.

I have not been walking as much after work as I would like. The concrete floors at work wear my knee out and by the end of the day it is throbbing. I think the soft trails underfoot would be a good thing. A ten-mile hike and a nice lunch along the Hudson. A therapeutic day. Three day weekend ahead. Need to find a way to get it done.

Now that the weight is off and the knee issue is planned out if not resolved, I am focusing more on the mental part of the Journey. I am now swinging in to the maintenance mode on my weight and starting to work on the maintenance part of my mind-set. How to keep my mind open and clear and content. I am exploring all avenues and ideas to find a good center. Focus at work, focus at home.

That may well prove harder than losing 100 pounds. I am going to look in to a book called Emotional Equations… Click this link for a video about the book: Looks very interesting.

 

I heard a bit about it on the radio today and it struck a chord…

Peace


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One Chance


Give me just one more chance and I promise to get it right.  I am sure that this time, for the first time, if I can have just one more, I will get it right

 

If I have just one more chance, one more time, just one more, I will follow through and get it done, get it right, go all the way.

 

It cannot be that the chances are gone that the time has passed and the opportunity is missed.

 

I am here and I am ready, I wasn’t ready then.  I know that this time I will make the most of it and make It all work out.

I promise this time I will not shirk, I will not run, I will not hide.  I know that this time, finally this time I will do what was expected of me when there was so much time ahead.

 

You cannot tell me that more has gone past than remains to be lived.  I cannot grasp that the end is closer now than the beginning.  Surely there will still be time to get it right, to make the most of it, to fight the good fight and run the smart race.  Surely time has not escaped, leaving so little time.

 

Give me just one more chance, I know I will get it right.  I know I will grab a hold and charge fully ahead.

Give me just one more chance, forgive all that I have wasted and find a way to clear the path and let me have that chance, just the one more chance, the slightest chance to this time get it right.