The boys and Missus and I will pack up and go to a local county park and spend some time skipping stones, maybe flying a kite and then a nice lunch cooked on the grill. Burgers and salads, apples and cupcakes for the boys, veggie burgers, salads and fruits for Missus and Dad.
The weather promises to be wonderful, the company will undoubtedly be wonderful and we can but hope that it all comes together and is the wonderful day my imagination paints. Life with a disabled child can be an adventure and there is no telling how the Older One will deal with all this but we are optimistic.It was a long and frustrating week and I am glad to be a the weekend now. Three days with the Boys and Missus and all will be well with my world.
Clothes Shopping with Missus
Something I don’t write about often enough is that Missus has been on a Journey of her own. Well, I should say her Journey is taking place alongside mine. Missus has lost a good deal of weight herself and all her clothing is now way big on her. Tonight we went to the store together and Missus picked out some new pants and a few shirts and she looks wonderful in them. I am not much for sitting and waiting patiently but I was very happy to do so while Missus tried on her clothes. It is a wonderful feeling to know that we have traveled this road together. Between the two of us we have lost the equivalent of a good-sized person, over 160 pounds. Imagine….
While waiting I took some self portraits that I think show the real me:
Panic and Palpitations…
I am trying to moderate my calorie intake so I can maintain my weight between 200 and 210 pounds. As I learn to do it better I want to hold it between 200 and 205.
The problem is I have been so focused on 1500 to 1800 calories a day for so long that I am getting panicked when I get up over 2000 calories. Yesterday I was at 2200 calories or so for the day and I was so upset about it that I have only had 1600 today and I will not allow myself to have anything else today. I actually had palpitations when I saw how much I had yesterday. Of course the scale says I am fine, 207 pounds today. I know my weight will bob up and down a couple of pounds from day-to-day and so I am not at all panicked that my weight is up two pounds. It was the 2200 calories that freaked me out…. I know that when I step on the scale in the morning I am as likely to find my weight at 205 as I am at 207 as the body works its magic. The issue here is how do I convince my emotions that it is perfectly OK to have 2200 calories a day now?
This freaking out is a double-edged sword. Yes, it helps me avoid overeating and falling back to bad habits. The other edge is that I cannot continue to lose weight indefinitely and getting much below 200 pounds will not be healthy all in all.
Logically, 2200 calories is not that much and is perfectly fine. It is nowhere near the 4500 to 5500 calories a day I was eating that pushed my weight to 305+ pounds. So how do I make this transition without giving myself ulcers?
I truly have to work on it. It is not a good thing to be so frightened that I get dizzy and break out in cold sweat over a couple of hundred calories…
I do have to walk more though. Fitness is key…
Have to allow myself to eat enough. 200-210. That is the plan. Not 100-110…
The rest of the weekend
On Sunday we are driving out to visit the Mom-In-Law. My mother-in-law is a truly wonderful woman. Nothing at all like the stereotypical Mother-in-law. She has never interfered, has always been accepting and loving. We are going in the morning, bringing bagels, lox, cream cheese… We will probably stay two or three hours. It will be a wonderful time. Sunday afternoon we will relax on the deck, play with the dogs, maybe go for a walk.
On Monday PGB and I are driving up to the Rockefeller Preserve for a day hike, maybe 7-10 miles. Afterwards we will return to my home and for a dinner of grilled salmon, served with grilled sweet potato and salads and fruits.
I am counting on this weekend to recharge my badly drained batteries.
Not Sure if I mentioned this…
Surgery in October to repair my damaged knee. Arthroscopic surgery to repair the torn meniscus and ligaments. An Autumn and Winter of rehabilitation and I should be good to go for riding my bike again come spring.
I have no nervousness about this. I know enough people who have had this and similar knee surgery that I have an understanding from their description of their experiences of what to expect. I am glad there is finally a direction forward.
I am still planning to ride High Point to Cape May next year. Perhaps early Summer. I am confident that I can do it over the course of three days. Eighty miles per day is not that much and I am motivated. I will never hike the Appalachian Trail from end to end. I will never ride across the country. I will have High Point to Cape May.
Getting the knee fixed is step one.
I am not sure how long before I will be able to pedal but I am looking at replacing my 27-year-old wind trainer this winter. Something that is more easily adjusted and can better simulate actual riding….
And I still dream of a new bike…
That will have to be a dream deferred.
Farmers Market in the Morning
I love going to the Farmers Market in Boonton.
Boonton is a small town about ten miles from where I live. An old town sitting on a hill, many of the families go back generations in town. I lived there as a small boy and I have always thought of Boonton as one of my home towns. I lived there three more times as an adult and tried to find a home to buy there but we couldn’t find anything a that time that fit our needs.
I still go to Boonton for my haircuts, and I buy my “good clothes” at the Men’s Shop in town. (reminds me, I have to take my suit in to them for tailoring)
And now Missus and I go to the Farmers Market nearly every Saturday.
This trip serves several purposes. Of course we buy produce there. Wonderful and delicious herbs, fruits, and vegetables. Golden Beets, fresh basil, parsley, squash, peaches, plums and tomatoes. Bunches of kale, spinach and Swiss Chard.
It is also time for Missus and her husband (me) to spend some time together. The dogs and the boys at home while we walk around, pick out of fresh greens, stop for a cup of coffee at the local shop… A very nice way to start our weekend.
I will be heartbroken when it closes for the year…
On Being Me
I am starting to understand who I am now. I am finally beginning to realize I am not fat any longer. I am not by any means skinny, but I am decidedly “not fat”.
The main thing I am starting to understand is I am not defined by my body anymore. I was a fat man. That was inescapable. I was defined, by myself and others, by my size. In describing me it had to start with “well he is a really big guy….”
The change I am beginning to understand is that I am now something other than my physical being. I am something as yet not clearly defined or understood entirely but I can now move to another stage. I can be a me undefined at first by physical size but rather defined by the first impression my personality makes. Much to do to really understand this. Just starting to take form in the fog.
I like it.