I have tried to avoid being too critical of the weight loss industry. I know how hard it is to lose weight and because of this I understand how tempting the weight loss “quick fixes” can be. I have watched the late night infomercials and been tempted.
Anything that promises that all I have to do it take this supplement… Well it is certainly tempting. The wonder diets, the amazing salves, ointments, drinks, powders…
And they don’t work. They never have. They never will.
What works is hard work.
It is really that simple. It takes concentration, dedication, desire and HARD WORK to lose 100 pounds.
I have tried in the course of writing this blog to avoid the impression that this is anything other than hard work and dedication. I have been writing this blog as therapy. A place to let out all my anxieties, fears, pains, struggles and uncertainties as I have worked to take off the weight and get fit.
If anyone has read this blog and thought for one moment that this has been easy I am sorry that you read the wrong posts.
I have struggled for ten months to take this weight off and get fit. I have had up and downs along the way. It has been an emotional battle every step of the way.
I have had to resist the foods I love but know I cannot eat because I cannot control myself around them (pizza comes to mind, and peanut butter with jelly). I have struggled with my identity. Who am I if I am no longer the fat man in the room? I have struggled with my emotions. I am at once thrilled with the weight loss and terrified by the potential for gaining ever a few pounds back.
I talk about the weight loss constantly. What I eat, what I feel, what I am going to eat, what I want to weigh, what I do weigh, how I got here, how I will stay here. I rail against the people who say they can’t lose weight or who tell me I will “never get to” a weight. I fight the naysayers and doomsayers, and I fight my own internal voices telling me that failure is just one doughnut away.
For all the success, I cannot keep the fears at bay. I know how easy it is to fail, to slip to end up back to where I was. I have done it before. I never lost this much weight but I lost 50, I lost 60. I gained them all back.
I remember each pound that I lost. I can tell you how much I weighed at JPD and KD wedding. I can tell you how much I weighed when I went here, or there, or did this or that. I live in terror that I will retrace those steps. This is why I never stop talking about it. I have to keep it in front of me. I have to remember the pound and the effort.
I used to be more interesting than this. I spoke of politics and culture, the arts and music. I wrote poems and I sang songs. Now I focus deeply on fitness and weight loss.
I have to. I was fat. I was very fat. I was barreling towards a premature death. I was making my fear of being the next one to die a reality. I ate and I ate. I cleaned my plate and then I cleaned the last of the appetizers and I always had room for dessert.
I was everything I didn’t want to be.
This has not been easy. Reinvention is never easy. Being someone new is hard. It is scary. I remember that I was thin once but I don’t remember what it was like to be thin. Being that now is confusing to me. I still refer to myself as the fat guy. I still use that bit of self-deprecation even though it is no longer accurate. I don’t know yet how to be the thin me.
I had lunch with my dearest friend the other day and she asked me a question. A very simple question. Now that I have lost the weight and become more fit what is next? What will I do to be happy.
I don’t know. I am not sure I have ever really been “happy” to a deep level. Content? Yes. In love with someone special and pleased with my circumstances? Yes. But truly happy with myself and in life to a deep level? I don’t know.
I wonder if I will ever reach that.
Losing the weight is a big step in the right direction. The fitness is helping. But there is still the fear, the unease, the turmoil.
Don’t think this is easy.
There is still so much left to do. So much more to accomplish. I have to lose another 5-7 pounds, continue to build the fitness. I still want off the BP meds and I have so long to go before I can really think of myself as thin.
I put myself out there in this blog. I uncover the bandages for anyone to see the wounds and the scars. It is the only way I know. I have to write about the struggles because that is what this is. It is a struggle. A rewarding one to be sure but a struggle none the less. Did I make it look easy? If so It is because you didn’t read the blog. In person maybe, maybe the people at work think this has been easy for me. I walk away from the birthday cakes, the doughnuts, the bagels. I pass on the candy bowls and pretzel bins that are everywhere at work.
I don’t talk about the fight at work. I don’t discuss the struggles.
It is here in this blog or while walking in the Preserve with my friend that I let out the pains and fears. It is here and in the time spent with friends that I talk about my anger at people who would stress only the failures, tell me I won’t or can’t. I don’t take energy from that. I don’t use that as motivation. It depresses me. Confuses me.
Every day it seems I find something else I can do for the first time since…..
Sitting cross-legged on a chair was a big one for me. Wearing 34 waist pants, a large shirt, sitting in diner booths, climbing stairs two at a time..
I love the changes in me. I love the physical feelings.
I hate the emotional turmoil.
I am off to walk in the preserve with the Younger One. And one of the Dogs.
We will take pictures and I will post them later.
Thanks for your patience as I let loose with this stream of consciousness rant.