The last few days have been difficult. Still feeling the effects of this head cold and I am not in a good mood. I am tired, I am stressed and I am fighting the urges to comfort myself with my old friend: FOOD.
I think I am doing OK on the calorie front but it has been a battle. I am holding steady right now on the weight, right around 201, but I am feeling sluggish and I am feeling tense and to be honest I am dealing with a good deal of barely suppressed anger from all the stress and tension.
This is why I have not written in the last few days. The Black Dog is very strong right now.
I went for a walk today, two and half miles in to town and back. It felt good. I needed it as a stress relief. I would like to go to the Preserve tomorrow and just spend the day in the woods but I think there are obligations ahead…
I need a stress outlet and right now I don’t have one. I am so concerned about my knee when I hike or walk that I am unable to put the world behind me. I can’t ride.
I am not dealing with all of this well. I tend to begin to withdraw when I am feeling this way but I have nowhere to withdraw to. This leads to the temptations of food.
I find myself nibbling as I cook. This is a bad thing. I can easily eat an extra couple hundred calories this way and I know better. Stress is a beast.
I THINK I have had 1700 calories today. Not sure so I am stopping here. No late snack tonight. I will not allow myself to get or stay careless and I am going to make CERTAIN I stay below 200 pounds. Being at 201 does not please me. I know it is likely water and whatever weight but it doesn’t take long for it to become real weight gain. Will not allow that to happen.
Fear is my driver.
A few blue days
I had a very good dinner with friends a couple of nights ago. Sad to say two of our group could not make it but one who almost never does did. We went for Indian food, a personal favorite, at a restaurant I used to frequent with a dear friend now no longer with us. JD and I went there often and enjoyed great conversation and great food and great friendship. I had not been there since JD passed away, now nearly three years past.
I have a tendency towards melancholy.
Going to that restaurant, which I selected, was easy until I pulled in to the parking lot. Then I thought of JD. I sat quietly in my car for a moment. I remembered sitting in that very spot in that very car waiting for him. I had arrived early. I remember how much I ate that night. A soup and appetizer, a main dish and a dessert.
JD would gently mention that I should get more exercise, maybe lose a little weight. He was really proud of me when I lost 50 pounds. I started to gain it back after he passed. Not blaming that, just mentioning.
Thursday at dinner with my friends I ate the thin, dry pan bread and the little toppings they serve. I had the main dish and a cup of coffee after the meal. I couldn’t help but think that JD would be proud to see my restraint.
I was quieter than my normal self Thursday. MT mentioned it. The effect of the head cold, the company, the melancholy? All three? I enjoyed listening to the conversation. I contributed I know. I did talk about my weight loss a bit but I hope not as much as I have been. Mostly I think I was quiet (for me).
It was a wonderful evening. Being with friends.
I promise next time I will be more engaged.
To my friends:
If I am too focused on my weight loss and if I talk about my weight loss to the point of it being a monotonous drone, I am sorry. I have been so focused on it for so long I fear I have lost my ability to think about much else. I know that I can and do think about other things in life. For some reason I can’t seem to talk about anything else.
I guess I fear that if I stop focusing I will start slipping. Not able to move off that yet.
I need a release
I need to howl at the moon. I need to let my guard down and I need to run wild for a day or a weekend or something.
I feel so pent-up that I expect to burst. This is not good. I want to be insane for a day, a weekend… I want time to think, to breathe.
Right now I don’t feel able to do that.
Have to work on this.
I think I have a Plan for Tomorrow
If I cannot go to the Preserve, I am going to the high school. I am going to walk. Long. I am going to walk until the knee makes me stop. I have to. I have all this tension in me and I have to let it out somehow and that may be the only way I can. I will walk. I will walk until I Have walked the tension right out of me.
If I don’t I just feel as if my train is going to jump the track. I feel like I will go insane.
I will let you know how it goes.