I haven’t posted in several days. I decided to take a few days away with The Younger. We went to New England and visited dear friends and did a little sightseeing. Mostly we spent time together. We went swimming at the indoor pool, soaked in the hot tub, had chats, walked around, drove here and there.
We had a good time.
When we last did this, this past March, I was in the 270’s and had lost around 35 pounds. I felt great about it and I remember thinking at the time how much easier the trip was with so much weight gone. Now with 105+ pounds gone I found the trip to be very easy. The time in the car not exhausting, the walking around comfortable.
Being physically comfortable makes most other things easier. With other things easier I was able to enjoy the time and that meant The Younger had a better time because Dad was better to be with.
Enjoying time with my son and my son enjoying time with me.
I have always sad this was about more than the weight loss.
The knee surgery is tomorrow. An outpatient procedure. The Doc will knock me out and go in and remove the torn chunk of meniscus. In a few weeks time I will be cycling again, or so I am promised. Now it is just the waiting.
I have been waiting since June. I am not sure why this has taken so long to play out. Certainly the insurance company insisting on the RICE protocol (rest, ice, compression, elevation) and x-rays before MRI, cortisone before surgery, didn’t help speed this up. So the injury I sustained in June will finally be repaired in October. Almost 4 full months after the injury. The next six weeks will be interesting. New Job, getting the house ready to sell, rehab on the knee… More waiting as I try to be patient and give the knee the time to heal and the rehab time to do whatever it is supposed to do…
I have never been good at waiting.
I Haven’t Forgotten
I have not forgotten how I got to where I was or the fight to get to where I am. I haven’t forgotten that it will be a fight to stay here. When we are eating together I am not sitting in judgment of what you eat or your choices. If I am staring at your plate it is out of envy, not in judgment.
I am still a fat man. I still have inside of me the same weaknesses and emotional baggage that led me to being obese. I will always be a fat man the way a reformed alcoholic is still an alcoholic. I work hard at every meal to control the urges to give in to the temptations. I love bacon. I love sausage. Steak… Pizza….. Yes I would love to have that big slice of pizza or the delicious looking tuna salad hoagie. But I don’t. I instead carefully choose. And if nothing on the menu fits the plan I don’t eat. I don’t bend. That is just me.
I am not sitting in judgment. I am not thinking anything other than I won’t eat that way.
I am not a thin person. I am a fat man. I will always be so. I walk around in this leaner body and I see my reflection and I still stunned that the person looking back is me. I know that I cannot grow too comfortable with the person in the mirror. I cannot get to the point where I accept that person to easily. If I do I may forget how I got to where I am. If I forget, I will go backwards. The fat man will win. The fat man is still me. Still inside still fighting for more food. Still fighting to get out and control the eating again. A rasher of bacon, or four… Cake, pie, cookies…
Too easily It can happen and I cannot allow it. The fat man will never give up. I know that.
So please, enjoy your meal. Whatever it may be. Please know I am not sitting in judgment. I am fighting my own demons. I am fighting the fat man inside of me. I haven’t forgotten that I am in a fight.
Buying the Bike.
I was going to buy the bike this week, maybe even today but I have now decided to put it off. The money can go to better use right now working on the house. I will save a little here and there and look in the spring when the spring sales are going on. By then the knee will be healthy and ready for rides. WE will be relocated by then and I will be ready to explore the new area on two wheels.
I joined a cycling club out there already. I will need to ride with locals to get to know the roads.
I am a little sad that I am passing on the bike right now but this is the right decision.
On the bright side, it gives me something to dream about all winter.