The inactivity is driving me bats. With the exception of the physical therapy, I have been rather inactive. Walking the dogs on if rough because of the way they pull and the pain in the knee if I plant the leg. Regular walks, sans dogs, are ok but not much more comfortable. All if this is normal after the surgery and I certainly feel better than I did but I really want to get back to normal activity. Hikes, walks, rides….
It is all coming. I am just not happy with the slow pace. I am an impatient sort I suppose.
In the mean time my weight is bouncing up and down two to three pounds and I am not happy at all about that. I really am fearful of gaining weight during this time. The boredom is the biggest enemy. I fear filling the boredom with food. The mind plays its tricks…. I am watching myself carefully but it is not an easy fight.
On Monday I start my new job and that will help with the activity and the boredom. If I can keep from gaining 110 pounds between now and Monday I should be OK. I am still aiming for 195 pounds but it has been difficult to get below 200 with this forced downtime. Set the goal, work the plan….. I will get there.
The physical therapy is going very well. I am able to pedal the exercise bike at level 4 of 5 for 30 minutes without stopping and without dropping below 80 rpm. Yesterday I averaged 21 miles per hour for that half hour and that felt great. The physical therapist, Keith, believes I am nearly ready to ride my bike in the real world. The knee strength is returning quickly as is the stability of the knee. Keith told me that the fact that I kept hiking after the knee injury has really helped the recovery because I kept up the muscle tone. Good to know that I did the right thing after all.
After tomorrow’s PT session I will go to once per week. Not because I want to but because my schedule with work will force it. With a 200 mile round trip, I will not be going to PT during the week. I will keep up with the exercises on my own. I have proven to myself that I am able to stick to that.
I had that dream again last night; the dream where all of this, the weight loss, the fitness, the blog, has been nothing but a dream and I am still 300+ pounds.
I woke up with a start and actually went in to the bathroom and stepped on the scale. 204.4… Ok, back to sleep. I have that dream less often than I was having it but it still comes at me from time to time.
I am not sure what it means if it means anything at all beyond the fear of getting fat again.
The fact is that the dreams that come at night do not compare to the nightmare I was living. I am still repairing the emotional damage from being so heavy. The heavier I became the less secure I felt and the more I ate.
That is past me now but not so far past that I do not fear its return.
That would be the worst nightmare…
The promise of the Ride
My physical therapist believes I can be back on the bike and on the road in just another couple of weeks. The stitches come out Monday and I will talk to the Doctor about it then.
This is everything to me. As I awoke from the anesthesia the doctor asked if I had any questions. I asked when I could ride again. First thing I asked. He said t to 4 weeks. When he asked me ten minutes later if I remembered my question and the answer, I did word for word. This is how important this is to me. I didn’t ask how the surgery went. I asked when I could ride. The answer to that question answered all my other questions.
This was a minor knee injury really, just a grade one tear of the meniscus. Minor tear to two ligaments; not requiring any repair at this time. Minor. I see people at rehab with scars running from thigh to shin. Major knee repair.
Mine was minor. I know that. I don’t mean to make it sound like I am coming back from something catastrophic.
To me, because of the effect this could have had on my plan, the effect it could have on my emotions, this was a major deal. I hated being off the bike.
Now I can see the day when I can ride again. When the promise of the ride can be met. The feeling of freedom, the feeling of release, the peace I find while riding can all again come to be.
I will go for a ride again. Jump on the bike and spin for 20 miles, 30 miles, 40…. I can again enjoy being on my bike.
Today it is raining. There is the feel of a cool autumn rawness in the air but another weekend may find instead the crisp dry air and the changing leaves and me on my bike on a country road.