I hate being here by myself. At the new job in the new town. Alone. Not a good thing. Bored at night. Lonely at night. Missing family and friends.
It would be so easy to sit at the bar, have a few beers, down chips and nuts all night. There is comfort in food. That is one of the reasons I have been an overeater so much of my life. Comfort.
I went to an Asian Buffet tonight. Not very good if the truth is told. Nothing to compare to an average buffet back home. I overate a little. Maybe a bit more than a little. Stopped in time though. Didn’t go back again, even though sorely tempted. Still I ate Right. Fish, sushi, miso soup. Stayed away from the rich sauces and fried stuff.
I really don’t like sitting alone and eating at a restaurant. Sort of amplifies the “aloneness” of it all.
I came back to the hotel and suited up and went to the fitness room. Half an hour on the treadmill, 15 minutes on the elliptical.
Burn time. Burn calories. Build fitness. It’s all good.
I keep thinking about the “me” of just one year ago. Well over 300 pounds. Tired walking up the stairs. Not doing anything but speeding up the arrival of death. Not sure I ever thought about that aspect of it much, I knew I was slowly killing myself. I expected to go to sleep one night and simply never wake up. I was 50, descended from a long line of early heart attacks, early deaths….
I had no reason to expect that I would not be the next one. I certainly wasn’t doing anything to prevent it or delay it.
A year ago… I have no idea why I was there. I have no idea what I was expecting life to be. Why was I doing that to myself? I would sit and eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while wondering what to do about being fat. Like many fat people I was wishing for the magic pill….
Tonight I worked out like a madman. I set the levels higher than I ever had and I had at it. I worked hard, worked up a good sweat, pushed myself past to levels had never been before and I felt great doing it. I was never winded. I never felt weak. I felt strong all the way through.
A year ago? I was waiting for magic bullets.
No one is ever going to say the one thing that will click with you. No one will ever do that one thing that will inspire you to make IT HAPPEN. You have to find that in yourself. I cannot tell you what clicked with me. One thing? Everything? I knew I didn’t want to be fat. I didn’t want to be the punch line of jokes. I didn’t want to struggle. I wanted to be not fat.
I can’t tell you what my moment really was. I can tell you I didn’t like what I saw reflected in the window that Christmas eve. I can tell you that I woke up on December 27 and said enough. I can tell you that I have not wavered, slipped, jumped the tracks or lost my way since. But I cannot tell you what will work for you.
I know that the doctor telling me that I was slowly killing myself didn’t do it. I stayed fat for years after he first told me that. It wasn’t having to go on BP meds. I was 36 when that happened and it was more than 14 years before I changed my ways.
What will work for you? You have to find it in yourself.
A young friend who is struggling with weight asked me what I was doing and I told her. Her reaction as she couldn’t do that. How could she give up alcohol, fried foods, pizza and partying and all that goes with it?
It is all about decisions. If you decide you value this over that…..
I made decisions that I am sticking with. Losing weight is more important than my love for PB&J, pizza, ribs… Staying fit is more important than bowls of pasta, meatballs, sausage.
I cannot tell you why it took me so long. I cannot tell why I am so dedicated to it or how I maintain that dedication…
Even sitting here, alone, with all the excuses in the world to drown in food and drink I am instead working out, eating right if even a little too much and writing this confused and rambling post.
If it means that much to you, you can do it. If you truly want it to happen you can make it happen.
I was thinking as I did the treadmill tonight at 8% grade at 4 miles per hour for the last five minutes after 25 minutes at 5% grade and 4 miles per hour that PGB and MT and KG, three hiking partners, must well remember me huffing and puffing and turning beet-red as we hiked. I never huff or puff now, not even after half an hour at 4 miles per hour…. I don’t take the elevator back to my room. I walk the 48 steps up to my room. I walk the 48 down in the morning. I have not been in the elevator since I checked in on Sunday night. Free stair machine.
PGB has asked me to join him and others on a hut hike in New Hampshire next year. Not sure my schedule will cooperate but I want to do it and I am certain I can do it now. A year ago? I would not have been asked…
I wanted to be asked…