What My Friends & Family Already Know About Me
I am emotionally volatile. Easily hurt, slow to forgive, quick to anger, quick to love, slow to heal.
My life has been this roller coaster of emotions for as long as I can remember. I have learned to control the worst aspects of it for the most part and I try to hide the hurt when it happens but I usually fail miserably. My moods are wont to change quickly and with little warning. I am sure this makes being a friend of mine a challenge.
Eating (well, gorging), has been a refuge when I am angry. I am an angry/hurt/depressed eater.
I can’t do that anymore.
I have spent the last year plus working at this weight loss and fitness and a huge part of that has been fighting the worst aspects of my being. Keeping my mood up, shrugging off the perceived slights, choking in the anger and fighting off the black dog of depression.
The longer I hold on to anger and hurt feelings the harder it becomes for me to fight off the hunger that accompanies those feelings and the depression that often follows the hurt and anger.
Very recently I had my feelings hurt. The how and why is meaningless for this discussion. It quickly evolved in to anger and now the depression has arrived. Fighting the hunger at night as I lay in bed unable to sleep because of the anger and hurt playing over and over in my head… Not easy. I didn’t do what I would have done 18 months ago. I didn’t go down the stairs to the kitchen and make a big peanut butter and jelly sandwich and wash it down with a tall cold glass of milk. I wanted to. I very much wanted to. I didn’t.
It was hard.
After nearly 52 years in to this life I have little understanding why I am this way. Many years of effort to keep the mood swings under control have resulted in a smidge less volatility and much less explosiveness but by no means is it a small part of my daily life.
Fighting the negative effects now includes fighting the binge eating that follows the hurt, the anger, the depression.
Progress is hard.
So far I am winning this battle.
Recent events pushed me closer to failure than I have been in a year plus.
I don’t like the way I feel right now or the way I have felt the last many hours.
I will climb out.
My friends and family know that about me as well.
On the Positive Side…
I went to Times Square last night and had dinner with some friends. I ate sushi galore and even allowed myself one mixed drink. Still came in on target for calories and I weigh slightly less this morning than yesterday. A small victory but a nice one to have.
Days like Today
I have to really force myself in to movement today. This is another aspect of depression. I want to do nothing but drink coffee and sit on the sofa but I have stuff to do. I have to run an electrical line in the basement for the new dryer, poke a hole in the wall for the vent, clean the basement so there is access to where the dryer is going and I have to start running the plumbing for moving the washing machine from the third floor to the basement…. Then tonight Missus and I are having Indian food with our dear friends MT and LG.
But here I am doing nothing. I am sitting staring at the computer and writing this blog post because right now this is the therapy I need. I am sure my mood will lift once I get off my rump and get doing…. Not much motivated right now.
Too cold and windy to hike or even walk much. Twenty degrees and high winds with gusts up to 50 miles per hour. Lovely. So my exercise today will be working on the house.
Need to get my rump in gear.
Thanks for listening