I have a ride tomorrow. A large ride organized by the cycling club to which I belong. 45 miles through the roads of Bergen County NJ. The HILLS of Bergen county NJ. The club released the cue sheets today and there are some serious hills. I saw the maps and I gulped.
Hills have been spanking me this year. Not sure why. Lack of practice, lack of leg strength, lack of confidence…
For the briefest of moments I thought about not doing the ride. Self doubt jumped all over me. I thought about having to walk at least one of the hills. I thought about the pain of climbing the hills…. All the excuses flooding my head…
It passed. I will do my best. I may have to walk a hill or two but there are worst things in the world.
Getting past the self-doubt is a difficult task. I battle it regularly. That may seem strange considering all that has changed in the last 18 months but it is true nonetheless. Even when I know I can do something (ride 50 miles, hike a steep trail) I feel a sense of dread wash over me, sometimes very briefly, sometimes it lingers.
Tomorrow I will fight the battle against the doubts again. Always a battle.
Sometimes I need to take a step back and think about all this. I need to remind myself that I cannot reasonably expect to undo the damage of 20+ years of neglect in only 18 months. I may expect more of myself than is reasonable. The hills will come with practice.
I have to work past the doubts..
I dropped to 199.0 today. Walking more, watching my calories carefully… I had been hanging out in the 202-203 range and then it started to move again. 199 now. I am pleased with this. Very pleased. I am aiming for 195 and I have to get under 200 for that to happen…. So 199. Imagine that. One year ago I was 233.8. 18 months ago I was 306.
I never would have said two years ago that I would be under 200 pounds and healthy. I would not have expected the changes I have made in my life as I stood at a cookout and ate plates of BBQ Ribs, burgers, hot dogs, pasta salad, cake…
I never would have thought this would be possible. Nearly vegetarian in diet, dedicated to fitness, committed to staying below 210 pounds, focused on a healthy lifestyle.
Me? Never happen. I would have thought it impossible. I didn’t even think it really necessary.
The Weight? I wanted to be under 300 pounds because it was embarrassing to say I was over that. My health? Suicide one bite at a time.
199.0 pounds. Done right, done well.
So why? How?
Tomorrow I will attack those hills.
Screw the self-doubt.