Going over it all
I am closing in on one year since I went under my goal weight. I have been on this Journey for 563 days.
I don’t look like me. I look at my face in the mirror and I see a thin and angular face. That isn’t my face. My face is round and has several chins. I look at the arms. They are not my arms, not the arms I remember. These arms are lean and sinew. The skin is tight on the forearms. The veins are clearly defined. My arms are thick and pudgy.
All of the person I see is not the person I remember. This is much harder to grow accustomed to than I ever thought it would be.
When I started this Journey of mine I knew I would have many bridges to cross. I would face many problems. I would learn things about myself that I might not want to know. One of the things I have learned is that as much as I hated being fat I was comfortable in my discomfort. Now I am uncomfortable in my comfort.
I continue to have that fear. The fear of regaining the weight.
It is a rational fear. By many well researched estimates, better than 90% of all dieters will regain all of the weight they have lost within a couple of years. Why would I have the belief that I will not be one of the 90%?
SO I go over it all. Time and time again. I think about it all the time. I worry about it all the time. I read the labels of everything I eat. I count the calories and record my weight and I balance what I eat with what I burn and I make sure that I am never out of touch with my weight and my eating and I never eat anything without thinking about it long and deeply first.
And yet this week I stepped on the scale and say 209 lbs. I was careless. I went out for lunch with a co-worker twice this week and I had dinner out with friends one night. I ate a little too much for dinner and I had too large a snack a couple of times and suddenly I was 4 pounds above the weight I have set as the maximum allowable.
And it scared the hell out of me.
So I cut way back. I ate very lightly. I walked a little more. I paid close attention to everything.
And I stepped on the scale tonight and it said 201.8 lbs.
I suspect the 209 was a combination of water retention and a bad reading on the scale….
But I was too panicked to think that way.
I still have that fear. Maybe I will always have that fear. The fear of being one of the 90+ percent who gain back all the weight.
I am under 205 lbs. More than 100 pounds lost and I am afraid of gaining back even one of them.
In 28 days, exactly four weeks, I will have been under 210 pounds for a full year. I am going to eat two slices of pizza with PGB at our favorite place. Then I will cycle or hike or walk until I know I burned off those calories.
And for two days before I will cut back on my calories.
I am already planning for food I won’t eat for four weeks.
209 pounds scared the hell out of me.
Dealing with the stress
Food was comfort for me. A refuge from the world. While I ate I thought of the food, the taste, the texture. I didn’t think about the world, what the food was doing to me, whether I was actually hungry or not. I just wanted the food. I wanted the place to hide and the food was it.
Now I deal with stress by writing this blog, riding my bike, talking about the weight loss, hiking… What I do not allow is for me to feed the stress. Mostly I ride.
Life has gotten so busy. I am working two jobs. The primary job is a 10-11 hour a day thing. Well, really 24 hours a day because I get calls at all hours. The second job is at the bike shop and I truly love it. I am not working this weekend and I feel like I am really missing something…
I am managing to get in my miles. I am staying on the plan. Staying the course. Continuing on the long strange Journey of mine. Tomorrow I hope to get in 25-35 miles in between working around the house.
Dealing with the stress.
Getting through it
I sometimes wonder if this will ever get easy. I worry about what I eat all the time. I obsess about what I eat. I have become a zealot for fitness and weight loss. I talk about it all the time. I think about it all the time. I have taken to posting a single word on Facebook posts for fast food places: Poison. I know I shouldn’t do that…
I ate that way. I ate bacon by the pound. I burgers and hot dogs, chips and dips and artificial sweetener…. I ate all wrong. It was going to kill me.
Now I speak up against all those foods. I never eat red meats. I won’t go near artificial sweeteners nor do I add sugar to my beverages. I avoid any added sweeteners at all.
I can see what those foods and my abuse of them was doing to me. They were killing me. Slowly. Surely..
Now I am spending my energy living a healthier life. I eat huge amounts of vegetables and fruits. I eat very little of anything else. Some fish. Occasionally some poultry. This weekend I am smoking some turkey so I will have some. Not much. Mostly vegetables. I am making gazpacho. I will eat a good deal of that.
I am getting through it. I am living a life I should have lived for years before.
This has not at any time been an easy Journey.
It has been overwhelmingly rewarding.
But it has never been easy
I am getting through it…