So this is the New Normal…
When I started this everything was exciting, scary, interesting, confusing, new…
Now… Not so much.
Eating right has become habit. Recording every bite, every drink is a habit, a ritual.
Getting out and walking, riding the bike, hiking: all habits, all desires…
I am no longer so surprised when I see me in the mirror. I am almost accustomed to looking at the regular sizes when I am clothes shopping.
I am happy in my skin and I am growing accustomed to being in this skin.
I have held my weight below 210 pounds since last August 8th and below 205 for much of that time.
This is the new normal. I like it.
It was normal to be fat. Not normal to some I understand. Normal for me. I had been some degree of fat for so long. Now I am growing accustomed to this new normal.
One year is coming up and it is a strange feeling. One year out of the fifty plus.
The break down is something like this:
Ages 1-10: Husky, not fat, just bigger build…
Ages 11-14 normal weight for my height and age
15-18: thin to lean.
19-22: gaining weight but it still fit my frame
34-50: overweight-very overweight-obese.
Now I am lean and fit.
This is what I am growing accustomed to. Looking at me and seeing a fit and lean person. Not obese. Not Fat. Trim. Fit.
This is what I will fight to keep as the new normal.
If I could do it all over again.
I was so in love with cycling from my early 20’s to my early 30’s. Then I drifted away from it and nothing replaced it as an activity in my life. We moved back to New Jersey from western Pennsylvania when I was 33. The weight gain started when we got back to New Jersey. I was not as lean in my early 30’s as I am now but I was an avid cyclist and though I was in the 230 to 240 pound range I was fit. No high blood pressure. Good at rest heart rate…
Within two years of returning to New Jersey I had pushed past 250 pounds and I was in the hospital with an irregular heartbeat.
If I could turn back the clock….
I would have stayed on the bike. I would have eaten better, eaten less, taken care of myself.
I would never have allowed what I became.
I cannot turn the clock back of course. No one can. We can only think about the changes and the time lost, and deal with the regrets.
We can do something about the future.
Some time ago (and I have written this before) I developed a motto. I haven’t found it anywhere else so I assume it is mine. It goes like this:
Where you are is where you are meant to be. Everything you have done has brought you to this point at this time.
It is where you are going that you can change.
For too long I did nothing to change the course of my life. I was heading towards an early exit and I was doing nothing about it. Getting healthy has been but the first step in what I hope will be a long life’s exploration of possibilities.
If I could do it all over again I would have done it from the beginning. I would not have waited to get moving forward. I would not have accepted as inevitable the course of my life. I would have made sure I was aggressive in directing the path of my life …
It is about Me.
I have turned down several requests to “guest” on my blog. I get one request every couple of weeks or so. Mostly from commercial weight loss sites that are looking to leverage my efforts with their product. A couple have offered money. No specific amount is ever mentioned just promises that selling my blog space to them (they don’t call it hat but I do) will net me some green.
I ignore them. I simply do not respond and I delete the emails/comments.
A couple of the requests came from what appear to be legitimate bloggers, people like me, who simply want to share their perspective on their journey. I have been invited to write on a couple of other blogs…
But I don’t share my blog in that way. I invite people to comment and as long as the comments are neutral to positive, I approve them.
The reason I don’t share this blog with other writers is really fairly simple. This blog is about my Journey. It is about me. I don’t apologize for this.
This blog is one of the tools I have used to stay motivated and focused.
This has not been easy. Not one single day has been easy. Some have been harder than others to be sure but not one has been really easy. Not one day did I not have to count my calories. Not one day has gone by where I didn’t record everything I ate, record my weight, record my calories burned. Not one day.
I have been called narcissistic because of this blog and my focus on getting fit and healthy and writing about it so much.
Other than showing the ignorance and stupidity of the person who called me that, the comment shows a real failure to understand what is really at the root of my weight gain to begin with: a very poor sense of self, a poor self-image. At the root of the overeating was a very insecure person.
Through this blog I have been able to explore the reasons I overate. I was able to think about the roots of my constant hunger.
Some of it I understood early on. I understood that I ate because I deep within I thought it was a way to win the love of my mother and my Grandmothers. With both of my brothers being somewhat on the finicky side, I learned I could win praise and affection by eating whatever foods my mother and Grandmothers put in front of me and always “cleaning my plate”.
There are many other reasons. A search for a persona… I found mine in being the loud fat guy. I never have seen myself well. I never understood who I was, what I was like. I never was able to see the extremes in my personality. I never understood who I was at center.
I found comfort in food. Cooking for friends and family and consuming large portions of what I cooked… It was a way for me to buy the affection of family. It was a way for me to buy friends. Did I need to buy friendship? Probably not. When you are beset by self-doubt and a horrible self-image then you might very well believe that the only reason you have affection from family and friends is because you cook. Eating is the natural extension of this. Eating large becomes a part of the reach for affection. Reality has very little room here. It is emotions, not reality.
Exploring this on the blog has helped me deal with 50+ years of injuries and scars, mostly self-inflicted. I have been able to heal wounds decades old.
Missus will tell you I am still a difficult person but less so now than two years ago. I think she would tell you I am more at peace, less edgy, more comfortable to be around.
Without this blog and my willingness to expose the raw nerve endings I would not have come as far as I have. This has been better than a year on a therapists couch.
The blog is about me. Plain and simple.
I don’t make excuses for this.