The Truth is…
It is rarely easy for me to express in writing happiness as well as I express angst, depression and fear. This is true in my blog and in my verse. When I am truly depressed, going through a dark stretch with the Black Dog, I am a prolific writer of blank verse. Not always good mind you, but I write a great deal when depressed.
When I started this blog I very often had tough days, depressing days, stretches of uncertainty. I wrote every day at that time and I wrote a great many poems.
As I settled in to the Journey and passed milestones and landmarks, the tone of my writing started to shift and I started to not write every day. I also wrote less blank verse.
If you read this blog with any regularity you know that my moods swing like the doors to an old west saloon. But the truth is they don’t really. It is just that I tend to write from the darker side of my moods.
With all things measured out (and I am all about measuring) I am happier in my skin than I have ever been. I am moody. I always have been. This I cannot deny but the fact is I am not any more moody now than I ever was. I am, I believe, a happier and more content man then I have been in many years if ever. I am less at war with my internal self. More at peace with my world.
In cycling and fitness I have found the focus for my runaway energies. IN taking off the weight I am able now to focus more on the inner me. If I am obsessive about the weight and fitness it is because I ignored it so completely for so long. If I am taking a long time to adapt to the new reality of me it is because I spent so much time being the old me. I am still getting to know who I am.
I am not a person accustomed to reinvention. I have a friend, a very dear friend, who has reinvented herself a dozen times over. She has blossomed to greater beauty with each reinvention. I admire this (and many other aspects) about her.
I have never been good at reinvention. I have been a person who retreated back to the comfort of the familiar even if it was ultimately a negative. I tended to allow myself to be swept along with the current. Even my career was one I came to by default rather than design.
Now I have reinvented me and it has not been without fear, stress, and drama. I am fit. I am lean. I have taken my eating habits and turned them upside down. Where once I was an unapologetic carnivore I am now nearly a vegetarian. A former couch slug, I am now dedicated to cycling, hiking, walking…
As I learn to be me I have focused to a nearly compulsive degree on recording my foods, my weight, my activity. I use not one, not two, but THREE apps to track my cycling. ALL AT ONCE. And of course there is the cycling computer on the bike itself. I record my weight every day. I record everything I eat.
I do this to remain focused. When I lost focus in the past I gained the weight back. I won’t let that happen again.
Reinvention. Like all things new, I need some adjusting and fine tuning but that doesn’t mean I am broken. The truth is… Things have never been so right.