I am not doing well today.
It was a good weekend but it was a hard weekend. I work seven days a week. I could have used a couple of days of rest but it is not to be right now. It isn’t easy but it has to be done.
I ride because it is my time to do something for me. I know that the blog might make is seem that I am always doing for me but the truth of the matter is that I rarely have time for just me.
Working my regular job 11-12 hours per day, Family in the evening and then I go to sleep and start all over again. Weekends I work at the bike shop. I get in a ride in the morning on Saturday and Sunday but rarely can get anytime during the week and it is months since I rode with the bike club.
When I do take time to do something just for me I feel tremendous guilt because I am not with my family or it is taking away from the hours at the shop and reducing our income.
This coming weekend is a good example. I am not working at the bike shop on either day. I am taking part in two rides in New England. I am looking forward to the rides but I feel badly taking time off from the shop and time away from the family. To top that off, I know I am leaving the shop shorthanded and I feel badly about that.
It is not easy to reconcile all of these conflicting emotions.
I know that for my physical and emotional health I need time for me. I also know that I need to take care of my family. Not an easy tightrope to walk.
But today I am in a mood. I am not sure if I would call it depressed or just grumpy. I am not happy, I can tell you that.
The pressures of life can be rough.
At least I have learned enough and grown enough, and developed enough that I no longer fill this mood with eating.
I was just a bit discombobulated on Sunday. I was dealing with the cold weather and how to get to the shop on time for the morning ride and generally rushing around and I forgot my FITBIT!!!
I went on a 29 mile ride. I walked all over the bike shop. I was ACTIVE all day and NONE OF IT COUNTS because I didn’t have my Fitbit to record it all.
Only a fellow Fitbit addict can truly understand 😉
The folks at the bike shop know my story. They remember when I was HUGE and would come in a look at bikes, telling them I was working on taking off the weight and would someday be back on the bike and then I would buy a new one. They know my story. My story is part of how I landed the job at the bike shop.
A young man I work with at the shop brought in a box of doughnuts on Sunday. I don’t eat doughnuts.
Now understand that he is a good kid. And I don’t call him a kid just because he is young enough to be my son. Most everyone at the shop is young enough to be my child. No I call him kid because he is under 18 and really is a kid.
The Kid kept offering me doughnuts. He was doing it good-naturedly and I was amused by it. We had fun with it but a part of it really came down to his not understanding why, when I am in such good condition and have lost the weight, I would not allow myself the occasional treat like a doughnut.
The simple fact is I don’t consider a doughnut a treat. I consider it poison.
There is nothing good about a doughnut. It is fat and sugar and it is poison to me. I think it is poison to anyone.
There are a great number of edibles that fall in to this category. The look good. They smell good. They taste GREAT.
They are poison.
These foods are a big part of how I lost weight. I stopped eating them.
I won’t list here the foods I think fit this category. It would be a long and boring read. I think you can probably figure it out.
The simple fact is I think I spent the majority of my life eating poison. Edibles that seemed like a good thing at the time but were doing nothing but addicting me to fat and sugar and mass consumption.
I think the “treat” mentality is a big part of obesity for some. It is for me.
Good day? I deserve a treat. Big accomplishment? I deserve a treat. Rough day? Hard loss? Disappointment? I deserve a treat.
Food as a reward. BAD food as a reward. Poison as a reward.
I don’t reward myself with food. I did. Now I don’t.
On a day when I burned 5000 calories I did allow a homemade chocolate chip cookie. I found myself finding excuses to reward myself… I stopped that right there.
Now I consider staying trim and fit to be the reward.
I never stray from the plan now. I never allow myself to treat poison as a reward. The fact is it is not, it is slow death. I will not “reward myself” with something that may well shorten my time.
Can you tell I am in a mood?