Weight Gain and Fear
I know, always have known, that my weight will vary. Swings up and down are normal and expected and I don’t have any issues when my weight goes up a pound or two and I don’t celebrate a pound or two down…
The last week or so I drifted. I am not sure why but I drifted from the plan. No excuses. I simply was overeating. I was still eating the same; no red meats, little fish, no poultry, plenty of vegetables. Just more than I had been eating.
Suddenly the weight jumped. I saw the wrong side of 209 pounds. I hit 210 even.
I cannot say I handled this very well from the emotional side of me. I could suddenly imagine myself fat again. I could suddenly see a path back to obesity. I could picture slipping back to the bad habits, the uncontrolled eating, the snacking, the large meals, and the fat me coming back to life.
My gut reaction was to scale the eating back to bare minimum, 1200 calories a day or less. I knew that was not the way to go about it. I had to stop and think about this. I had to understand why this was happening.
I looked at the things going on in my life.
My primary job has been stress filled the last two weeks at a level far greater than typical. Getting out of the office for a little bit at lunch time has been a welcomed respite from the stress. Of course that doesn’t mean I had to eat large lunches but that is what I was doing. I was slipping back to the habit of feeding the stress. Chinese buffet. Indian Buffet….
I had disciplined myself to eat lightly in the morning and then at dinner if I was going to eat a larger than typical lunch. I fell away from that discipline.
The weight was coming back. First two pounds and then three, soon four and there it was on the scale one morning: 210.0.
My chart showed the gain. The slow climb as the weight went up from 203 pounds to 210. I had a gain of seven pounds in a little more than two weeks.
Discipline. Deal with the stress. Understand the motivations. Get back to the plan.
I got back to the smart breakfast of 1 cup of fruit, one cup of cereal, half a cup of low-fat milk. I got back to the pouch f tuna for lunch and the light dinner of vegetables followed by a light snack. I got back to the 1500-1800 calories a day.
The weight is coming back down.
I was 204.0 this morning. Six pounds came back off. I am not going to allow myself to stray from the plan. The indulgences I allowed myself in recent weeks are not allowed. The cold weather is here. Cycling is winding down and I cannot count on that large a calorie burn to keep the weight in check. Walking, hiking and riding the rollers will not replace it.
I slipped. I allowed myself to stray from the plan that has worked so well for me.
I am back under 205.
Next I want to get under 200.
Most of all I want to stay on the plan. It got me where I want to be. Leaving it will risk me going where I don’t want to be. FAT. Not going there again.
Put a good scare in myself. I have done this a few times since I hit my goal weight. This was the worst.
The Truth is…
This will never be easy… Easier.. Perhaps. Never easy.
I have 50+ years of bad habits, genetic programming, and emotional scars that I have to overcome each and every day.
I win the fight most days and I have been winning the fight most days for 675 days and counting.
I know I will stumble and fall. The past week or so I did my share of stumbling and falling. Today was tough. A pressure filled day and one of my favorite foods in abundance at that office.
I was good. It was a fight. It is always a fight. That is the truth. It will always be a fight.
Today is Halloween. Candy everywhere. Tomorrow there will be candy at the office as people bring in the leftovers from the Trick-or-Treaters. It will be a fight.
I have a lunch appointment tomorrow. Selecting the right food to eat and the right amount will be a fight.
This is the truth. This is life.
I know this. I know that keeping the weight off is making good decisions one decision at a time day after day..
I had a decision to make and I did. I decided to reshape myself and to get fit. I have made that decision nearly every day since and I will fail from time to time.
The setbacks don’t really matter unless I fail to keep moving forward.
I stumbled. I fell. I got back up. I got back on the plan.
I may not win every battle. Fact is I know I will not will every battle. But I am winning the war because I get back up each time I fall
The truth is this is all that really matters.
I think Sunday may be the last shop ride for the year. The cold and the dark is starting to make the ride harder to do. I hope it continues but the attendance is dropping and it isn’t a shop ride if I am doing it alone….
It isn’t my call. I leave that decision to the Managers and Owners of the shop. I will keep showing up to ride until they tell me otherwise.
I will keep riding myself until the winter weather prevents it.
Then I will hike.
Winter will not be an excuse.
I love doing the Sunday rides. There is something affirming in these rides for me. There is a joy in doing what I could not do, what I was afraid to do.
I am proud of what I have accomplished. Able to ride hills I could not ride before. Able to ride distances I used to consider a long DRIVE.
I remind myself of these things when I slip. I remember what I couldn’t do. I remember who and what I was. I get it back in gear.
SO if the last ride is coming soon I at least know it is not my last ride. I have many more in me. I have more miles. I have more turns of the pedals. I have them because when I fall I get up.