It was exactly two years ago tonight. I saw a HUGELY fat man with a large plate of food in his hand. In a moment it flashed through my mind just how enormous that guy was. And then, in that same moment, I realized it was me. It was my reflection looking back at me.
It was exactly two years ago that I finally understood that I wasn’t big. I wasn’t chubby. I wasn’t plump or fluffy or cuddly… I was FAT. I was obese. It finally hit me that night, two years ago today, that I was beyond being heavy and had crossed in to clinical obesity. I was enormous. 48 waist, XXL BIG and FAT and the realization hit me hard. It knocked me back on my heals.
I had been able to delude myself for years. I wasn’t fat. I was big. I was a little chubby. I was tough to fit… Then nature held up a mirror and I could not escape the simple inelegant truth that I was bordering on morbid obesity.
I had been in a funk for a day or two. This pushed me in to the deepest depression I had experienced in many years. I became sullen. I withdrew within myself. On Christmas Day I watched football with a friend but I was quiet and found no enjoyment in the games at all. It was unshakable. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to have nothing to do with anyone at any time. I wanted to hide from the world.
I told Missus that after the New Year I would start working on taking off the weight. It was time, I told her, to take care of myself. Missus had heard it all before many times. She agreed with me, supported me, listened to me and all the while I think she was saying to herself that I had said the same words many times before.
I had no idea that I was only three days away from turning my life around. I was no longer without a goal but I had no plan and I still didn’t know that my life was about to change from within. I had no clue. I only knew that I was depressed and I know I was depressed because I had finally realized that I was obese. I finally understood that I wasn’t just overweight. I wasn’t just big or heavy or chunky or any other euphemism. I was OBESE in every definition of the word and This was a crushing realization.
Two years ago today the catalyst for change had been let loose. I didn’t know it. I would not realize it for days even though the change was already starting. I didn’t know yet that the depression I was in would be the place where my energies would become focused. I didn’t know any of this as I sank deeper in to myself and my mood grew darker and sadder.
The components for change had been blended together. The reaction within would take a few days to reach the critical mass. I didn’t know it. Nothing changed except my mood on December 24. I didn’t change the way I ate that night. I didn’t go for a walk or climb extra steps. I didn’t know on December 24 that a chain reaction had started when I saw my reflection in the French Doors of my friends kitchen.
It was two years ago tonight.
Going for a Walk
Tomorrow is just another day in our home. We are not of Christians and as such Christmas is not a meaningful day for us. It is a day usually spent watching football or something else on TV, doing some cooking and, with the changes in my approach to life, I will sometimes go for a walk.
Tomorrow I am going for a walk.
It is expected to be quite cold here but I have warm clothes and warm gloves and warm shoes and I am going to take a walk. Maybe five miles or so. But I will walk. I am walking because Friday I have to work and Friday is the second anniversary of the beginning of my Journey and I think a long walk is a good way to mark the occasion. So I will do it a couple of days early..
I need to walk tomorrow because I also overate a bit at my friends party tonight and I want to make sure I don’t get stupid about this and not keep the activity level up.
I like walking. I like it for many reasons but a few of those reasons are I get to spend time within myself. While walking I can suspend all thoughts of the world and think about my Journey, my family, my small world and not the larger issues and problems surrounding me.
I like walking because I can walk now. When I started the Journey I could barely walk a mile without complete exhaustion. Now a five-mile walk is nothing much.
I like walking because I like the rhythm. I like the steady cadence of the walk, the repetition of the steps, the easy pattern of the repeated stride.
I like walking because when I walk I can hold conversations with myself and I learn a great deal about who I am and what I want.
I like walking because the Journey and walking are tied together as one created the other and then they fed each other. Walking is the Journey. The Journey is walking. It was walking that was the first outward expression of my desire to change the seemingly unchangeable course my health was taking.
Tomorrow I am going for a walk.