A Fat Man's Journey (Working my way back…)

An Attempt to Journey from Fat to Fit in a Lifetime. Eat right, Eat less, Move more


The Black Dog Won

Not the Weekend I Wanted

This was the weekend of the Five-Boro Bike Tour.

I look forward to this ride for one reason: Riding with my friend NI.

The rest of it is OK.  Thirty-two thousand riders make for quite the spectacle.

The ride was Sunday.  I had a good time on Saturday.  I met up with NI and a friend of his and we traipsed around the city, had a good lunch, did the registration thing…

It was Sunday that The Black Dog took his bite and I couldn’t, or didn’t, fight back.

I awoke at 4:00 AM, got ready for the ride, loaded up the car and drove in the New York City.  By 5:30, I was approaching the area where I would meet NI.  Then it happened.  The stress?  A stomach bug?  I am not sure.  I pulled over to the curb on a side street in lower Manhattan.  There and then, I lost what little breakfast I had.

I contemplated this.  Thought about what it was all about.  What caused this?  I turned around, went home and went to sleep.  I didn’t do the ride.

I never really felt any better yesterday.  I thought I would ride in the afternoon if I did but I didn’t  I didn’t feel much better and I didn’t ride.  Riding might have been the best thing for me.  Doing the tour might have been the best thing for me.

I simply couldn’t fight The Black Dog.

I sat on the sofa speaking to no one, doing nothing.  I wanted to climb into a hole and pull the earth back over me.

I don’t like when this happens (no kidding, right?) and I am not sure why it does.  I wish I could understand what is happening in my head a little better.

If I did understand it better, then maybe this would have been the weekend I wanted.


I am not living the life I imagined I would have when I was a teen and well in to my twenties and even my early thirties.

I didn’t expect to need two jobs.  I didn’t expect not to be able to afford a vacation once a year or to have the difficulties I have.  This is not what I expected at all.  I really don’t like my career.  I am good at it.  I just don’t like it.  I don’t have time to do the things I like.  I work seven days a week.  I take off a weekend and I feel guilty.  I am taking money out of the family pot and I am leaving the shop shorthanded.  I don’t get to do the activities I so enjoy: hiking, cycling, spending time with my family and friends.

It is the guilt that cripples me.  If I work all seven days, I feel guilty for taking time away from the family.  If I don’t work the weekend, I feel guilt over not making the money.

This is not a way to live.  This is a way to die.

At this time there is little I can do to change all this.  I have to keep pushing.  I am not sure where this pushing will get me but I have to.  There is no other choice.

So I deal with the guilt.

My weight

I am the heaviest I have been since the middle of the summer of 2012.  I am up to 217.  This is not a good thing.  I have no excuses.  I have given in to the depression and the stress and I have over-eaten.  I have not pushed past the depression to get on the bike.  I have walked.  HUGE amounts of walking.  I have set a course in the factory and I make sure I walk it throughout the day.  It is great for fitness.  I am fit.  But I have out-eaten the calories I am burning and that is no one’s fault or responsibility but my own.

217-pounds. Pants are getting a little snug.  T-shirts are getting a little tight.

I have to get back to what I know works and I need to stay there.  I have indulged.  Cookies.  Buffet.  Not what, who or where I want to be.

It will not stand.

Getting it back together

I will take some days off work in the next couple of weeks. Take a few vacation days.  I will get on my bike and ride.  I will get out and hike.  PGB is sometimes available mid-week.  Perhaps he will be able to join me for a hike in Harriman.

If I don’t get my mind cleared and my heart right I will surely end up either insane or fat.  Insane I can accept.  Fat I cannot.

I understand the expression “a life lived in quiet desperation” now.  I didn’t always.  I do now.

Things have to change.  I need to make them change.  I need to get my heart and mind back on the same page, focused on the same goals, the same life plan.

I cannot accept what I am doing to myself with food, with stress, with life in general.

Getting it back together is must happen.  It has to start happening now.

Is life a constant battle for everyone? So many people I see seem to have it together.  I sometimes feel I am a single step away from the abyss.  Stepping back from that fall is the hardest thing to do when the Black Dog seems to be standing behind me baring teeth and growling.

Cycling, and time with friends, has been my escape from The Black Dog.  This weekend I didn’t fight hard enough.  I let the Black Dog win.

I have to find a way to fight harder. Or maybe I just need to be smarter than The Black Dog…





The Healthy Choice

I started losing weight because I was tired of being fat, out of shape, ugly (in my eyes) and embarrassed. I started losing weight because I was afraid of dying early. I started losing weight because it was the right time in my life to change.

From the beginning I understood that it would be about more than taking off the pounds.

It would be about understanding me.

It would be about getting fit.

It would be about staying lean and fit and getting healthy and staying there.

I knew from day one of my Journey that I would have to travel the path physically as well as emotionally. I understood that there would be much more to this than merely eating less and eating right. Moving more, moving right would be a part of it as well. A big part.

It is very possible to lose 100-plus pounds and not significantly improve one’s health. It is very possible to do so and injure one’s health.

I didn’t want to simply lose the pounds. I wanted to roll back the clock if I could. I wanted to be younger. I felt so old on the day I started the Journey.

It is Mid-April now. 2014. I am still 100+ pounds down from my peak. Still where I want to be with my weight. Still building the fitness, riding the bike, walking.

I made a healthy choice. I never have followed a diet. No WW, Jenny, Atkins, South Beach…. I have never followed an exercise plan. I eat right. I eat less. I move more. I didn’t start a diet. I didn’t start and exercise plan.

I started a new lifestyle. I change my life and I made the healthy choice.

The Healthy Choice does not mean illness always leave you alone…

I am getting over the flu right now. It is part of why I haven’t posted on my blog in a while. It really knocked me on my back. It came on last Saturday. I was feeling a little off on my bike ride in to the shop. I started strong but faded badly as I approached the shop. I showered up and started work but by mid day my head felt “off” and I was feeling congested. I thought it must be allergies. It was busy at the shop and I was running about but losing energy with each step. At some point CB, one of the shop owners, asked me if I was OK. I think I was coming across as “cross”. I told her I thought I was dealing with allergies…

By night fall I was sick.

By the time I crawled into bed Saturday night I was running a fever of 101.1. Overnight the fever climbed and I was in hell by 3:00 AM when I sent a text to the bike shop boss that I would not be able to lead the Sunday ride nor would I be able to work. Sunday was hell. 103.4 fever. Joint aches. Violent shivering. Sweats.

Monday morning the Dr. confirmed it was the flu and ordered me to bed rest for the week. Anti-viral meds to fight the flu and antibiotics to prevent the secondary infections that often accompany the flu.

Here it is. Thursday. I am FINALLY starting to feel OK. The fever broke a couple of days ago but the joint aches and the general malaise that comes with the flu linger. Today is the best day so far.

The worst part for me was having to cancel the Father-Son vacation the Younger One and I had planned for this week. I was going to work Monday and Tuesday and then he and I would travel to New England Tuesday night to enjoy three days exploring.

I know it disappointed him but in classic form, he has handled it with grace and understanding.

I doubt I will be able to ride this weekend but I will keep the option open for Sunday. Monday I will return to my regular job healthy and strong. This was not how I wanted to get the rest I needed but at least I rested.



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A Day Off Work

I burned a “Personal” day today. Couldn’t be happier about it.

Truth be told, I should have taken much of the week after the concussion off but I worked. I shouldn’t have. The lack of resting led to some questionable decisions. For the most part they were harmless and I caught myself before they could affect my place of work or anyone working with me. One decision I was properly chastised for by one of my bosses. I was fine driving. Fact is I am better sitting down. I feel almost normal when seated and I know I am focused better.

It is while standing or walking…..

So today I took the day off. I slept later than normal (7:00 am ) and I went to the shop and had some training on a product line the shop carries. Some of it stuck I am sure.

Then I had lunch with Missus and the Older One.

Then I slept.

Three hours.

A deep and restful sleep. Wrapped in the covers, head deep in the pillows, dog at my feet. Sleep in all its glory and pleasure. Restful darkness. Time out for the brain.

I awoke around five PM and then I came down and we prepared dinner.

I feel so much better already.

Giving the brain time to rest.

I needed that.


I will never be a “true” vegetarian, not as long as I am unwilling to give up sushi and lox. I am however getting closer. I had some sushi today at lunch. Otherwise it was all vegetables. Dinner tonight was vegetarian. Not by design really. It just is happening that way. When selecting what we want for diner we are choosing meatless much more often than not.

I haven’t gone this direction because I am indignant over the killing of animals for food. I am not thrilled by that fact but it is not the motivation behind my change in eating habits.

I did this for my health.

I did this to lower my blood pressure, improve my cholesterol and such.

And it has worked.

It continues to work.

Tonight’s dinner is a good example of how we like to eat now.

IMG_1661I saw a recipe on-line for cauliflower coated in a yogurt sauce and roasted. Made that tonight. Delicious. We treated that as our main dish and the side dish was Navratan Korma, a dish of mixed vegetables made in a cashew sauce with pineapple. I didn’t make that. I microwaved it. We buy these dishes at the local Indian Market. I love them. All natural, no colors added, no preservatives and they are delicious. They are also silly inexpensive…

Served with some warmed Naan this all made for a very good dinner.

No, I don’t miss meat in my meals.

I do miss the taste. I have to say that. But I don’t want to eat it and I don’t feel any temptation to eat it.



1 tablespoon vegetable oil

2 heads cauliflower

1½ cups plain Greek yogurt

1 lime, zested and juiced

2 tablespoons chili powder

1 tablespoon cumin

1 tablespoon garlic powder

1 teaspoon curry powder

2 teaspoons kosher salt

1 teaspoon black pepper


  1. Preheat the oven to 400° and lightly grease a small baking sheet with vegetable oil. Set aside.
  2. Trim the base of the cauliflower to remove any green leaves and the woody stem.
  3. In a medium bowl, combine the yogurt with the lime zest and juice, chili powder, cumin, garlic powder, curry powder, salt and pepper.
  4. Dunk the cauliflower into the bowl and use a brush or your hands to smear the marinade evenly over its surface. (Excess marinade can be stored in the refrigerator in an airtight container for up to three days and used with meat, fish or other veggies.)
  5. Place the cauliflower on the prepared baking sheet and roast until the surface is dry and lightly browned, 30 to 40 minutes. The marinade will make a crust on the surface of the cauliflower.
  6. Let the cauliflower cool for 10 minutes before cutting it into wedges and serving alongside a big Green Salad

Growing concerned about my Annual Birthday Ride

Since I started the Journey of mine I have made it my practice to ride at least 10 miles on or close to my early March birthday.

My birthday is about 14 days from now and the long-term forecast does not hold much hope for warming. Snow is forecast for this weekend. The weekend after is forecast (at this early date) to remain cold and wet. The weekend after my birthday….

Maybe I can rent a fat bike at the shop…..

fat bikes and Cross Country Skiing

fat bikes and Cross Country Skiing

More Sleep

I feel tired. My head is still hurting. I feel better than I did yesterday. Yesterday was better than the day before.

I really had minimized head concussions. Never could understand why a ball player would miss most of a season from a concussion.

I understand now.

Mine is not that bad. Well, I am not trying to do sports at a pro level and I am afraid to even think about riding outside even if the weather was not a factor.

So I will go to sleep early tonight. Get some rest. Sleep a good deep sleep.

Do yourself a favor.

When the Doctor tells you to rest, REST.


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Memories and Dropping the Pooch

Snow today bringing back memories….

I lived in Erie, PA for four winters. I loved it. I took up cross-country skiing while living there and spent most of my winter weekends at Wilderness Lodge fumbling and bumbling around the trails. I never really got “good” at cross-country but I always had fun. Even the time I sprained nearly my entire left leg (hip, knee, ankle, and big toe. Yes, seriously, my big toe) didn’t take away from the fact that I had a great day with a good friend up until my little ouch…

Scenes along the trail on a glorious winter day in New Jersey

Scenes along the trail on a glorious winter day in New Jersey

It is snowing today. Not enough to get in any cross-country but it does get my mind wandering in that direction. Last year I got out on the trails exactly once. At High Point State Park here in New Jersey. Some of the trails were sheets of ice and it made for quite the adventure but the fact is I did it. I skied. I had fun and I didn’t kill myself. I went alone which at first I was disappointed with but after spending some solitary time, I felt better about it. I enjoy being on the trails alone with just my thoughts and my wonderment at the beauty of the world around me.

I remember one morning while living in Erie I drove off to wilderness lodge early in the morning after a night of snow. I was one of the first people to get to the lodge after they opened for the day. I strapped on the skis and I went off. I don’t ski smoothly, I kind of shush along in a sort of crazy halting uncoordinated way but it gets the job done. I crossed the field, being the first to break the new snow and then entered the woods.

I normally would turn right and head along the wider trails before circling back, about 5 kilometers total. After a cup of coffee in the lodge I would then head out again.

That day, for reason I do not know, I turned left and went up the narrow, steeper trail. I entered a section lined with pine trees weighted down with the nights snow fall. The boughs were hanging low, the snow a couple of inches thick… I stood still and took it all in. The quiet was amazing. My breathing, the sound of something scurrying through the woods and the lights whisper of the breeze was all I could hear. I stood and marveled at just how beautiful my world was at that moment in time. A few moments of reflection and I started skiing again, slowly, carefully, trying not to knock snow off the trees, trying not to make too much of a mess of the unbroken trail. I wanted to leave it beautiful for the next skier to enjoy.

A couple of hours on the trails and I was ready to head in. I made it back to the lodge, had my cup of coffee and a fresh blueberry muffin. I sat by the fireplace and absorbed some warmth and heard an older couple talking about the beauty of the snow covered pine trees…

I hope to get in some cross-country this winter. I could use some time among the pines.


I was never a good athlete. My brothers and sister were blessed with the athletic skills in the family. I was not.

I was eight-years old before I learned to ride a bike. Once I learned it was all I wanted to do. About the time I was ten my parents bought me a Schwinn Suburban ten-speed and I soon learned to ride it no-handed throughout the neighborhood. I remember the neighbor lady telling my parents that I was going to get myself killed riding that way. My father recommended I not do it but he didn’t forbid it so I kept right on. I think whatever bike handling skills I have I developed riding the neighborhood around Lorraine Terrace no-handed…

I had poor circulation in my legs as a boy. Maybe my brothers remember how slowly I walked up stairs or how my legs would start to itch if I stood still too long. The doctor told my parents I should keep riding my bike, I should walk and hike and when I reached my teens it would be a good idea for me to work on a weight machine to build my legs up.

I did all of that.

It was riding I loved the most.

I have drifted away from cycling several times in my life and I have come back to it each time.

The first time was when I went off to college with a 38-pound Schwinn Collegiate. I had BEGGED my parents for one of the nice light-weight Japanese bikes at the local shop but they knew Schwinn. To them, Schwinn was QUALITY and durable.

I found every reason I could to not ride the Schwinn. I walked instead of rode. I thumbed for rides in cars rather than ride the Schwinn.

Slowly cycling faded to the background and cars replaced them in my transportation world.

I was wooed back to cycling by a friend who was rehabbing from an injury and needed a cycling partner.

And I drifted away again.

Crossing the Brooklyn Bridge.  I really LIKE this picture.

Crossing the Brooklyn Bridge. I really LIKE this picture.

Now I am back to it with a passion. It is again my focus.

And I find I am too rough on myself. I expect to ride as well as people who never left the sport and who are 15, 20, 25 years my junior. This is not going to happen. Accepting that I am a pretty good rider capable of the occasional burst of power and that I have come a very long way from where I was just last March when I was returning from the knee injury and getting back to serious riding for the first time in nearly a year…

I let the Black Dog grab my rear wheel.

I need to enjoy what I have accomplished. I am a cyclist. It is something I am not just something I do. I ride bikes, I think bikes, I talk bikes.

When I am not riding I am thinking about riding and when I am riding I am in bliss.

There comes a time on my solo rides, nearly every ride, when I am so deeply focused on the ride and my rhythm is nearly effortless and I am so attuned to all that surrounds me that I am almost floating as I ride. I really don’t have quite the words to properly describe it I suppose. I can only say that the miles disappear along with everything else except the focus on the ride.

I let this escape from me once. I let cycling fade away. I got lazy and I became obese.

I ride. It is what I do. I am not going to allow myself to think that I am not good at it. I am. I can ride.

I am going to drop the Black Dog on the hills.




The Dog.

Root of the Evils

I have not been writing. Not the blog, not poems. Nothing. I have simply not been writing.

I have been doing some good stuff on Facebook. I started a page to put together a team to ride The Ride For Autism next June. I want to do the ride again and this time I want a team around me to raise even more money for this cause that is so near to my heart.

I am focusing on things like this. The ride. Other rides. I am trying to stay active. I am fighting against the Black Dog that so often visits me this time of year and has been growing big and more annoying recently.

More than anything, depression fed my obesity. I ate when I was depressed. Many don’t. Some do. I am part of the some that do.

When I was depressed I would eat.

When I wasn’t depressed I would eat to celebrate not being depressed.


I avoid medication.

The cycling helps keep it at bay.

Being active all day helps.

But the depression makes me not want to ride or stay active.

It is not easy.

Yesterday I had to push myself hard to get on the bike to ride. I tried to hide behind the cold weather. I hoped the others would beg off because of the cold.

They didn’t. I had to ride.

I rode very poorly. I tried hard but my mind wandered. I rode in the wrong gears. I failed to follow basic rules of group cycling. I was testy about being corrected and the depression sapped my energy and all I wanted was to end the ride. But I rode. I got in 29 miles or so. And I survived. I held the rest of the riders back because I was just not riding well at all. That fed the depression. But I finished and I worked at the shop and I was able to keep the outward signs of the depression to a minimum.

Today I had a hard time fighting the depression. I felt testy and unable to deal with any sort of complication. When you are a production manager complication is what you deal with. It was not a good day. And I fed the depression. I went out to eat at lunch and I ate too much and afterwards I felt better and it scared the hell out of me. Eating is an addiction. It is self-medication. Feeling so much better after lunch is scary. It is a sign of danger. It is a path back to obesity.

It is the roots of the evils.

I am committing to write every day. It is one of the tools I have for fighting this. I am committed to some form of exercise every day. Walking, riding, hiking… SOMETHING to keep me active and focused on fighting the black dog.

Today. Yesterday. The day before. They were hard days.

The Black Dog.

He cannot win. Today he scored a small victory. I cannot let him win the war.


Friday Thoughts

Once-a-year Pizza

If you are going to do it…

Do it right.

In Parsippany, right up close to Boonton, there is an Italian Restaurant: Bevacqua’s Reservoir Tavern.  It has been around forever and is well-known in the area for the pizza.  I first went there some 48 years ago or so.  This, of course, only proves that I am old…

I love the pizza.  Chewy thin crust, cooked in a very hot oven giving the crust a nice char.  Delicious sauces, good cheese, fresh toppings…  You get the picture?

I don’t often eat pizza.  At one time it was a nearly daily part of my menu but no longer.  Because I love it so much I have little control when eating it so I avoid it almost entirely.

Last night was an exception.  PGB and I met at The Reservoir to mark the first anniversary of being below my goal weight of 210 pounds.  We met there one year ago when I reached the goal.  As we did last year, we ordered a large pie with peppers and onions.

Oh my…  It was so good.

I had two slices.  PGB had two or three and took the remainder home.

I sat there running rationalizations through my head trying to convince myself that having a third slice would be perfectly OK.

I didn’t give in to the rationalizations.  I was good.  I had my two slices.  I loved them.  It points to the risks I still face and why I limit having foods like pizza.  I simply would not be able to continue to control how much of it I ate if I allowed pizza to be a part of my menu more frequently.  Once a year is about the right amount for me.  I enjoy the pizza as a special treat.  I treasure the two slices.  I don’t end up on the slippery slope that might lead me to weight gain…

I would be perfectly happy for this to be a once a year tradition for PGB and me. Meet at the ‘Tavern in mid-August each year and have a couple of slices of Pepper and Onion Pizza.  It will mean that I am still below that goal weight.

My Weight

I still get very concerned when I step on the scale and I am suddenly two or three pounds up.  I know that it is a false weight gain in most cases: water or whatever still in the system.  I will scale back on the calories a little, watch everything carefully and make sure that the weight moved back down over the next few days.

This week has been like that.  My weight jumped over 205 for a couple of days and has now come back down.  This morning was 201 even.  This is what weight does.  I am sure I am no different from anyone else in this regard I just obsess over it more than most people.

At 201 the morning after two slices of pizza I am very happy.  It means to me that I regulated my calories very well yesterday.  I was careful with breakfast, careful with lunch and I was careful with my evening snack to make up for the 800 or so calories in the two slices of pizza.

This weekend I will be very busy.  I will ride to the bike shop for work and then probably ride home.  I may leave the house extra early so I can get in a 30 mile ride before work.  Then I am working a rest area for the Ramapo Rally bike tour on Sunday.  That will be a full day of activity and I will burn nearly as many calories as I would if I was in the ride.

By Monday I expect to be less than 200 pounds.

lap dogs

My Lap Dogs

By Labor Day I plan to be around 195.

Then my new target will be to stay between 195 and 200.  I have proven to myself that I can stay between 200 and 205.  195-200 is the right place for me to be with my weight and that is the target now.

With all the weight loss and all I must still have a comfy lap:

Big Bike Plans

Labor Day weekend is approaching.  It had been my plan to ride High Point to Cape May over the course of three days but those plans ran aground.  Now the plan is to work on Saturday and Sunday of that weekend, getting in rides in the morning, and then do either 75 or 100 miles on Monday.  The next weekend is the NYC Century and I am signed up for that.  So I may end up doing my first two Century rides on consecutive weekends, six days apart.

I am trying to get to 3000 miles for the year.  I am at 1806 miles for the year right now.  It will be a challenge to get another 1200 miles on the bike before the cold weather changes me from cyclist to hiker.

I have to pick up the pace.  I have actually slacked off a little with less evening rides and fewer miles on the weekends.  Last weekend I put only 58 miles or so.  This is not going to get me to my goals.  If all goes well I will get in 20 miles tonight.

I have been taking more hilly routes recently because I am trying to build up my hill climbing ability.  It is pretty poor.  The more you do it the more you can do it so hills are where it is at for me.  The route I plan for tonight will take me on a two-mile climb.  It used to kick me hard.  Now I am able to do it smoothly but slowly.  If I keep working at it I will get to where I am doing it less slowly…  Who knows, maybe someday I will be good at it…

Seeing Me

As I dressed for work at 4:00 AM this morning and I selected my jeans and T-shirt (very casual Friday) I grabbed my medium blue GET FIT MIT T-shirt.  It is a shirt I got for taking part in a fitness “challenge” with a team my friend NI helped put together.  The idea here was to report your fitness activities on their website over the course of several weeks.  I was diligent about it and I am proud of the work I did as part of the challenge.  It was fun and motivating.

The shirt is a large and it is a trim cut.  That is to say it isn’t a baggy T in the very least.  I used to run from shirts like this.  I was like many fat people.  I wanted baggy clothes.  I liked baggy for two reasons: comfort and I was under the delusion that the baggy clothes hid the fact that underneath the clothes there was a fat man.

get fitNow I wear trim cut shirts.

I caught reflection in the mirror and I had to admit that there was a very different body in that reflection.

I can’t say how I look to others but I like the changes in me.

I am not a handsome fellow but I have never been ugly.  Now with the weight off, my nose looks huge.  I am balding.  Well, I am nearly bald.  I have the wrinkles of a 52-year-old man.  I am amazed that with the weight loss I am not jowly at all.

Still, I like who I see in the mirror.  I see a trim man.  I see a fit man.  I also see a man who has changed in ways the mirror can only hint at in the reflection.


I still track everything I eat.  I record every bit of food, to the best of my ability to capture it, on the Loseit.com website or in the Loseit App on my phone.  I do this so it is harder to lie to myself.  I am forced to stay in reality if I record everything.  If I don’t record it I fall in to the trap of “forgetting” foods I have eaten and this becomes added calories and that becomes FAT.

I am thinking about this because of a conversation with a woman in my office.  She is a really nice woman and we work well together.  In our conversation over lunch or a cup of coffee my weight loss and fitness have come up and she put forth the opinion that I am “lucky” to be “able” to lose weight.

She tells me she doesn’t eat all day and still can’t lose weight.

She eats all day long.

This morning she ate a coffee cake.  She is having a bagel with cream cheese right now.

She will likely have lunch.  She will tell you she only ever has a salad for lunch.  This week we had Chinese for lunch.  Yesterday she had KFC.

She will tell you she hardly eats a thing.

I don’t track her food, mind you.  This is just what I have casually observed.

She simply does not realize how much she eats.

This is not at all unusual.

Weight loss experts will tell you to keep a food diary.  The reason is exactly as I described above.  1) We don’t realize how much we consume.  2) We lie to ourselves.

For me it is about staying grounded in reality.

I am a terrible food liar.  In the old days I would count ten cookies at two.  I wasn’t doing it on purpose.  I was deluding myself.  I would eat half a pizza and later tell you I had two slices.  I had myself convinced that I only had two.  Presented with the evidence I would realize that I did have ten cookies, I did have four slices…  I can remember Missus buying a tub of chocolate chip cookies and the second day I would go looking for them only to be told that had eaten nearly all of them and the last four the boys had eaten.

So I continue to log it all in to Loseit.com and I continue to use my Fitbit so I can’t lie to myself about my activity level.  That is the other area where self-deception will come in to play if I am not careful.  I cannot tell myself that I have walked 6 miles and burned 2500 calories with the Fitbit recording every step and tell me otherwise…

It is about staying attached to reality.



Letting the Black Dog Win.

Today has just not been a good day for me. It is beautiful outside, the world seems OK for a change and there is really no reason for this but today the Black Dog is winning.

For those who are new to this blog the Black Dog is my term for the depression that sometimes washes over me.black-dog

I have been interviewing for a job and I think it is going well but the interview process has been very long and there is still no resolution. I don’t know at this point if I have a good shot at it or not. The things the hiring manager said in closing today left me wondering if it was the start of letting me down easy…

So now the Black Dog is winning. Today anyway.

This is when it is hardest for me to resist food. The comfort of food. Home alone right now, sitting here trying to wrestle the situations around in my head. Food calls.

I resist. It is hard. There is good food in the house, healthy foods but even healthy foods are not so good when eaten to excess and right now as I sit typing this I want to raid the kitchen and eat everything in sight.

This will pass. I think I can weather this storm.

Today I am letting the Black Dog win.

Tomorrow I will stick him in the kennel and try to move along without him for a while.