A Fat Man's Journey (Working my way back…)

An Attempt to Journey from Fat to Fit in a Lifetime. Eat right, Eat less, Move more

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The Cold of the Winter

Not a Fan

When I was a teen and then in to my early twenties I enjoyed the cold.  It rarely bothered me.  I would shovel the snow in a T-shirt.  I walked two miles after a blizzard to see my girlfriend when I was sixteen.  Winter was not a problem for me.

It is now.

I hate the cold.  Truly hate it.  I rarely ride in the winter.  I barely get out to hike.  I dream of a job transfer to the dessert southwest….

I haven’t cross-country skied this winter.  Not nearly enough snow most of the time and a little leery of it since my concussion last winter.

So I sit and wait for spring.

Winter?  Not a fan.

Plans for Spring

I have the usual bike ride planned this year.  I am doing the 5-Boro Bike tour again.  I went off the deep edge and paid for the VIP package so I can be sure to start near the front of the 32,000 riders.  Nuts?  Yes.

I am doing the Ride for Autism as I do every year.  It is the one ride it would hurt me to miss.  Eighteen people have signed up to ride as a member of the team.  I hope we get more before the ride in June.

I hope to lead the beginner/intermediate bike rides again for the shop.  If I don’t lead I will still partake.

I didn’t come anywhere close to my mileage goal last year.  I hope to get the miles in this year.  If all goes well I may be able to limit working at the shop to Sundays.  That would certainly make Saturday an easier day to get in the miles…  Maybe get some club rides in.  I haven’t ridden with the club in three years.  I pay dues…  I really should get out on a club ride or two.

Spring is only 6 weeks away, not matter what the forecasting rodent says….


Udon and VEgetable Soup.  Perfect for this cold winter night

Udon and VEgetable Soup. Perfect for this cold winter night

This time of year there is a positive for me: I cook.  I make soups.  Pot upon pot of soup.  Today I made my “everything in the pot” veggie soup.  Whatever is in the fridge and the freezer and is considered a vegetable gets tossed in and I cook it until it is soup.  Today it was mushroom, onion, kale, corn, broccoli, sugar snap peas, tomato and tofu.  Cover with water, season, cook…

I served it with Udon noodles…  It made for a wonderful dinner.

Tomorrow I will roast some squash and make roasted squash soup…  Fill up the freezer, it is a long winter.

I also plan to bake some breads.  I am picking up a computer from a friend and I am going to bring him some breads to thank him for his help.  Good man.  Deserves some fresh-baked breads.

I love to cook.  I just wish I could get out of the house…  I need to hike… I need to bike…  Cooking will have to do.  And the treadmill….

My Weight

I am doing OK.  Not great.  OK.  I have put on a little weight, 10 pounds, this winter.  It is slowly coming down.  Lost 5 last week.  Want to lose 20 more by the end of March and then 20 more by June.

I sometimes stop fighting the fight.  I admit it is hard to always say no to pizza and cookies and donuts.  I do.  I still do.  But the fight is hard.

I have been fighting The Black Dog again.  It has had the upper hand recently but I can feel that I am pulling out of it.  Missus is so tolerant when I am in the cave.  She waits, knowing I will pull out of it somehow.

I have some very big decisions to make and I am struggling with the choices.  It isn’t always easy to know what to do with one’s life.  I am still trying to decide what to be when I grow up and here I am in my mid 50’s….

So eat right, eat less, move more….

It is always a struggle.  I will not be fat again.

A Little of my prose:

One advantage to being depressed is I write….


I wrote this last week.

The Photograph of the Moment



Sitting on the hill, waiting to take photographs in old style with film, sitting on the ledge looking out to the valley with a camera ready in hand.  Looking for that moment when the light would be just right, the perfection realized, sitting still up on the hill waiting for the sun to set.


Sitting in the special quiet and looking out to the distance where a bird is gliding. Sitting waiting for that perfect moment in old style with film, when the moment would be just right, nearly perfect, sky and earth one.


Sitting, now watching as the sun begins to set, sitting on that ledge, sitting as the slight chill sends a shudder along the arms.  Sitting on that ledge as the sky begins to glow a softer light, nearly perfect, nearly right.  Sitting on that hill with the old camera in hand, film is wound and shutter cocked and the light is nearly there.


Sitting on the hill with the camera at the ready, sitting watching for that moment coming soon, with the sky now orange and the clouds now fringed with light, sitting on the ledge, feet near the edge, watching for that perfect moment, that perfect light. The sun now setting in amber, the sky now perfect, the moment is now and then nothing.


Sitting on the hill, the moment passes, camera hanging from the hand, the sky was perfect, too perfect to photograph in old style on film.  The moment committed to memory where it will stay in perfect light. Now standing, now walking away from the ledge.  





Family, Overindulgence, and a Ride with a Friend

Memorial Day Weekend with Family

Friday night was a visit to hell.

We drove from New Jersey to Virginia on the Friday night of a long weekend. Had to be done. No other option. It was hell.

The drive from Jersey to my brother’s home in Virginia is a five-hour affair on most occasions. For the annual Memorial Day weekend visit we typically leave at silly o’clock on Saturday morning, pull up to the hotel at 11:00 or so, rest up and then go to my brother’s home around 1:30 to visit a little before the festivities start at 2:00.

That would be normal.

This year was not normal.

This year we had a naming ceremony for the first member of the next generation, my nephew’s daughter, a two-month old bundle of love. This required arriving Friday night for the early Saturday service.

Six and a half hours of heavy traffic, much of it stop-and-go.

The Older Son does not deal well with this. I don’t deal well with this.

We survived.

Grand-Aunt Missus with Grandniece

Grand-Aunt Missus with Grandniece

The festivities on Saturday, both the naming ceremony and the cookout, were smashing successes. Visiting with my niece and my nephews, seeing my brother and his wife and all the friends I only see at the annual cookout, and meeting my Grand-Niece, all added up to pure joy.

The weekend was too short. I would have liked to stay longer on Sunday but obligations drew us home. We had to be back in time to pick up the dogs from the kennel. Other responsibilities had to be met.

But it was a joy.


I thought about it carefully. Then I decided to allow it. I overindulged on Saturday. After a light breakfast, I allowed myself to eat and enjoy the foods at the cookout. Well, not all the foods. The stars of the menu are all red meat related. Ribs, Skirt Steak, Beef Chili, Burgers, Hot Dogs…

I brought a vat of Vegan Chili. It was very well received and went quickly. There were also homemade black bean veggie burgers made by AH, the partner of my Nephew G. They were delicious. And I had fruit, salads, brownies….

Oh yes, rum chocolate bon-bons…. OH MY they were good.

So I went way overboard.

And it is OK.

This morning I was actually down one pound from Friday.

Still heavier than I want to be and I am back on the plan and I am working it off.

But for one day…

It was OK.

A Ride with a Friend

I met ES when he and his wife AS started showing up last spring for the Sunday Shop Rides. A really nice couple. Pleasant to talk with, great to ride with. Bright, Enthusiastic and engaged in the rides.

Everything a Ride Leader could want from riders.

When they didn’t show up for the ride one summer Sunday I assumed that their children were home from camp and that was that.

It was more than that. ES had been involved in a bad bike crash. It took a great deal of focus and effort, I am sure, but he returned to cycling and it was my joy to be involved in helping him select his new bike.

ES and AS have rejoined the Sunday rides and it is once again a pleasure to ride with them. I didn’t lead the ride yesterday because I was heading back north from the family visit.

Riding Country Roads in New Jersey

Riding Country Roads in New Jersey

I had planned to do a 60 mile ride with the bike club in The Hudson Valley but I just could bear the thought of a 120-mile round trip in the car.

I was really pleased when ES told me he was available for a ride today.

So we met a the bike shop (a good midway point between our homes) and set out on what we originally planned as a 48 mile ride. Memorial Day Parades changed that to a 42.5-mile ride… It was Great.

I can’t speak for ES but for me… It was GREAT. We rode at a relaxed pace, took one long break and a couple of short breaks and chatted much of the ride when we could ride side by side. It was a ride with two personalities. The first half of the ride had nearly 2000 feet of climbing. The second half was flat to downhill…

I knew I would enjoy selling bikes.  I knew I would enjoy leading the Shop Rides.  I didn’t know that I would develop friendships with “customers”

Fun time. ES and I are well matched in our riding abilities. ES is MUCH better on the hills than I am but I am able to ride the rolling hills and the flat areas with him and he is patient about the long climbs.

I am working hard to be ready for the Ride for Autism. A ride like this is good prep….

Thanks ES.

My Attention

I have not been tending to this blog much recently. My efforts have been directed towards WORK and the Ride for Autism.

This ride is very important to me. Raising funds, getting people to join the team… So far the Team has raised $2,600.00. A wonderful thing. Wonderful and generous people have donated whatever they could and I appreciate it more than words can express.

It will be a fun ride. Some are doing the Century. Some are riding shorter distances. It is all good. The important thing is to show up. To engage. To make the effort. I appreciate it all.

So that is where my attention has been. Diverted from this important part of my life to another.

Today I rode 42+ miles. I am preparing to ride 100 in June 7th. I am doing this because The Older One cannot. I am doing this because I want other parents to have the resources available to them that were not available to us 20+ years ago.

To all who are supporting the team or have joined the team I offer you my deepest thanks.

Today’s Ride was beautiful.

June 7th the ride will be meaningful.Dannys team 2



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A Day Off Work

I burned a “Personal” day today. Couldn’t be happier about it.

Truth be told, I should have taken much of the week after the concussion off but I worked. I shouldn’t have. The lack of resting led to some questionable decisions. For the most part they were harmless and I caught myself before they could affect my place of work or anyone working with me. One decision I was properly chastised for by one of my bosses. I was fine driving. Fact is I am better sitting down. I feel almost normal when seated and I know I am focused better.

It is while standing or walking…..

So today I took the day off. I slept later than normal (7:00 am ) and I went to the shop and had some training on a product line the shop carries. Some of it stuck I am sure.

Then I had lunch with Missus and the Older One.

Then I slept.

Three hours.

A deep and restful sleep. Wrapped in the covers, head deep in the pillows, dog at my feet. Sleep in all its glory and pleasure. Restful darkness. Time out for the brain.

I awoke around five PM and then I came down and we prepared dinner.

I feel so much better already.

Giving the brain time to rest.

I needed that.


I will never be a “true” vegetarian, not as long as I am unwilling to give up sushi and lox. I am however getting closer. I had some sushi today at lunch. Otherwise it was all vegetables. Dinner tonight was vegetarian. Not by design really. It just is happening that way. When selecting what we want for diner we are choosing meatless much more often than not.

I haven’t gone this direction because I am indignant over the killing of animals for food. I am not thrilled by that fact but it is not the motivation behind my change in eating habits.

I did this for my health.

I did this to lower my blood pressure, improve my cholesterol and such.

And it has worked.

It continues to work.

Tonight’s dinner is a good example of how we like to eat now.

IMG_1661I saw a recipe on-line for cauliflower coated in a yogurt sauce and roasted. Made that tonight. Delicious. We treated that as our main dish and the side dish was Navratan Korma, a dish of mixed vegetables made in a cashew sauce with pineapple. I didn’t make that. I microwaved it. We buy these dishes at the local Indian Market. I love them. All natural, no colors added, no preservatives and they are delicious. They are also silly inexpensive…

Served with some warmed Naan this all made for a very good dinner.

No, I don’t miss meat in my meals.

I do miss the taste. I have to say that. But I don’t want to eat it and I don’t feel any temptation to eat it.



1 tablespoon vegetable oil

2 heads cauliflower

1½ cups plain Greek yogurt

1 lime, zested and juiced

2 tablespoons chili powder

1 tablespoon cumin

1 tablespoon garlic powder

1 teaspoon curry powder

2 teaspoons kosher salt

1 teaspoon black pepper


  1. Preheat the oven to 400° and lightly grease a small baking sheet with vegetable oil. Set aside.
  2. Trim the base of the cauliflower to remove any green leaves and the woody stem.
  3. In a medium bowl, combine the yogurt with the lime zest and juice, chili powder, cumin, garlic powder, curry powder, salt and pepper.
  4. Dunk the cauliflower into the bowl and use a brush or your hands to smear the marinade evenly over its surface. (Excess marinade can be stored in the refrigerator in an airtight container for up to three days and used with meat, fish or other veggies.)
  5. Place the cauliflower on the prepared baking sheet and roast until the surface is dry and lightly browned, 30 to 40 minutes. The marinade will make a crust on the surface of the cauliflower.
  6. Let the cauliflower cool for 10 minutes before cutting it into wedges and serving alongside a big Green Salad

Growing concerned about my Annual Birthday Ride

Since I started the Journey of mine I have made it my practice to ride at least 10 miles on or close to my early March birthday.

My birthday is about 14 days from now and the long-term forecast does not hold much hope for warming. Snow is forecast for this weekend. The weekend after is forecast (at this early date) to remain cold and wet. The weekend after my birthday….

Maybe I can rent a fat bike at the shop…..

fat bikes and Cross Country Skiing

fat bikes and Cross Country Skiing

More Sleep

I feel tired. My head is still hurting. I feel better than I did yesterday. Yesterday was better than the day before.

I really had minimized head concussions. Never could understand why a ball player would miss most of a season from a concussion.

I understand now.

Mine is not that bad. Well, I am not trying to do sports at a pro level and I am afraid to even think about riding outside even if the weather was not a factor.

So I will go to sleep early tonight. Get some rest. Sleep a good deep sleep.

Do yourself a favor.

When the Doctor tells you to rest, REST.


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Thoughts on a Cold Tuesday Night

This is getting to me

Winter is getting to me.

It feels like it is never ending. Bitter cold. Wind. Snow.

It seems like a bad dream…

I can’t get outside and enjoy. Time is a constraint. I can’t take the time to go cross country skiing. The weather won’t let me ride. I am not enjoying this one little bit

I am feeling the winter blues.

Vegetarian (almost)

Tonights dinner.  Fairly typical.  Vegan Chili, stir fried veggies, naan and chutney

Tonights dinner. Fairly typical. Vegan Chili, stir fried veggies, naan and chutney

I have been drifting this way for two years. It started with the decision in March 2012 to no longer eat red meats. Slowly I drifted away from eating poultry. There was no decision in this case. I just drifted away from it. I cannot remember the last time I had poultry….

Slowly vegetarian dishes replaced the fish dishes and now I have fish only once a week or so.

I have never been healthier. Blood pressure, cholesterol, hear rate… All my blood numbers are great.

So why not go all the way? The only dairy I consume is the milk in my coffee and on my cereal and cream cheese on my bagel. Once in a while I have some cheese on my veggie burger….

I could go all the way to vegetarian. Fact is it would not be hard for me to go vegan. I really don’t want to give up cream cheese and lox. Yep. That is it. The only reason I have not gone vegetarian is lox and the reason I don’t go vegan is lox and cream cheese.

Strange reasons to not do it but I am not ready to give up those two foods.

Maybe someday….

I am Still a fat man.

I have taken some heat for this but I will say it again anyway:

Being obese is like being an alcoholic.

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

Once a fat man, always a fat man.

I am not longer medically obese. Not at 210 pounds and 73 inches. Not medically. Not officially. Not on the insurance forms…

But I am inside. In the makeup of my body and my brain I am still Obese. My body, my brain still craves much more food than I eat. I am still prone to overeat if I don’t pay strict attention. I am still sorely tempted to eat that donut, have that pizza, eat 10 cookies…

I know very well how easily the weight comes back. Much faster than it comes off.

I can’t for a minute stop thinking about it. I sit down to a meal and I have to plan it out. Every bit that I order. Every morsel that I eat. I have to plan it.

If I don’t I gain weight. Simple as that.

With this winter, with the inter blues and the lack of exercise, and all the other reasons, excuses, explanations, causes….

I gained 8 pounds. It happened FAST.

I looked away for a moment and the moment was 8 pounds on me.

I drifted up slowly from 205 to 208 and suddenly I was looking at 216.

I am now back to 212.

It is going the right way again.

It happened so fast.

I have no excuses. I simply lost sight for a brief moment. I stopped thinking, focusing, watching…

Back at it.

My goal is to be 205 on my birthday in March.

This is never going to end, this Journey of mine.

I’m Ok with that.


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Looking Back, Looking Forward and the Right Decision

Eight Days

I know where I was two years ago.

I was here. In Jersey. I was working at a plastic compounding plant as the Plant Manager. I was not overly fond of the job but it paid and I was optimistic that I would grow to like the place. I was 310 pounds or somewhere around that.

I was trying to figure out the holiday schedule and I was trying to figure out if I had any nice clothes that fit so I would have something to wear to our friend’s Christmas Eve party in five days.

I was not thinking that in eight days I would finally reach that place where I would finally do something about my weight and my lack of fitness.

I didn’t know that in eight days I would start the Journey.

I am thinking about this a great deal this week. I am counting down in my head to the two-year mark. Two years from the day that I woke up and told Missus “I am starting today”.

I will write more about my thoughts as I approach that day.


Last night at the Bike Shop Holiday Party the shop owner, BP, asked us to share our cycling goals for the coming year. He told us they had to be Specific and Measurable. Each of us had something we wanted to do. Return to racing, compete in a triathlon…. KF had the best one. She simply wants to ride again. She had a serious accident and returning to the bike is a worthy goal and one none of us is foolish enough to think is out of reach for the woman we call Fury.

As the question worked its way around the table I had plenty of time to contemplate my answer. I had goals in mind. I know what I want to accomplish in the coming cycling season. How to put it to words…

Because I was sitting just two places from BP and the question started in the other direction, I had plenty of time to think, as I would answer next to last. When it came to me I made one little joke and then I stated my goals. Thirty-five hundred miles and at least one Century.

Those are my goals.

My cycling goals.

On the grander scale my goals are to get to and maintain 195 pounds. I want to see two years at or below my goal weight in August 2014.

In business we say goals have to be SMART: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Timely.

I think mine are all that.

There is one other goal. It isn’t really Specific and I am not sure how I would measure it. I certainly hope it is achievable. I know it is relevant and I hope it will be timely. I want to be more comfortable being me.

That is my life goal.

The Right Decision

I started working at the bike shop in late May of this year. I needed a second job and the income that would come with it. The owner and manager at the shop both thought I would be a good fit. I love bikes. I am personable. I have a good story to tell. Everything else would come, they assured me.

I sold a bike my first day. I sold three the next. I have sold many bikes since. Customers come in looking for me. I enjoy the interaction. I love putting someone on a new bike and seeing the smile on their face as they roll it out the door and take it home.

It goes well beyond that. It is the group of people I work with. At the Shop Holiday Party last night I realized just how much I enjoy the company of the people I work with at the shop. The diverse personalities united in a shared love of cycling and all things bicycles. The easy humor. The laughter. The conversations. About Bikes. About Cars. About plans and rides and goals.

It is the shared enjoyment of seeing a coworker take his new bike out for the first time. It is, for me, almost a sense of family.

I take an odd pleasure at being the “old man” of the shop (though the owner is only a few months younger than I am). I enjoy the “kids”. I learn from them every day that I work and every ride I am on with them.

Today I was the coworker taking home his new bike. The grin on my face was matched only by the smiles on the faces of my friends and coworkers at the shop.

BP made this happen for me. He worked with me and made this bike a reality for me.

Much more than the bike.

I have not always made great decisions. We all make mistakes in our lives. I look back at the decision to leave the plastics compounding plant and I know I made a mistake. I thought I was doing the right thing. It didn’t work out.

Synapse Hi-MOD 2

Synapse Hi-MOD 2

I know I made the right decision when I asked BP and NP if they would be interested in hiring me for weekends at the shop.

I know that a good portion of why I have stayed fit and kept the weight off is the shop rides and more than that, the encouragement from the people at the shop. From the occasional kick in the head from CB for my occasional self-doubt, to the critical bits of advice from BP as we ride, to the challenge from KE, JS and NP to ride harder, rider further and rider faster…. This has been the right decision.



Vegan Stuffed Peppers

              Vegan Stuffed Peppers

1 cup (dry) Quinoa made according to package directions
1 cup (dry) rice of your choice made according to package directions (we like ruby and black rice and multigrain as well as brown rice)
½ cup chopped mushrooms
½ cup chopped broccoli
½ cup chopped onion
4 crushed cloves of garlic
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
4 large bell peppers (red, green, yellow, orange….) Remove the tops and remove the seeds and as much of the soft ribbing as you can
1 tablespoon cumin
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon favorite hot pepper sauce
Salt and pepper to taste


Sauté the chopped vegetables until the onions are translucent adding the garlic close to the end of the sauté.
Mix the rice, quinoa and spices together in a bowl with the sautéed vegetables. Mix well but gently.
Stuff the peppers with the mix, filling the peppers until the stuffing is at least level with the top of the peppers. Do not pack tightly.
In a glass baking dish cook at 400 degrees until the peppers are tender. About 20-30 minutes
Serve with extra stuffing on the side.
We also serve with roasted winter squash such as Acorn, Butternut or Kabocha on the side and a crusty bread or naan…


Naan, Stuffed Peppers (stuffed with Black Rice, TVP, carrot, broccoli, mushrooms and onion), a little of the stuffing on the side, some chutney and a piece of Kabocha.

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A look back at the week

It was a busy week for me. Work was hectic as could be, my brother visited, we drove to Maryland and back on Saturday and fit a 90th birthday party in there for good measure and today I led the 9:00 AM shop ride.

Oh, and I lost two pounds and now sit just a smidge over 200. This is normal for me. I have been sitting between 200 and 205 for months now. Once in a while I sneak below 200 for a day or two but edge back to 200. I am very happy with this. I have said I want to settle in between 200 and 205 and that is what I have done.

First the visit from the Brother.

It was fantastic. There was a time when MB and I could not spend more than an hour together without an argument breaking out. Not an issue now. We sit and chat, talk about this and that and meaningful things and we don’t get riled up. It is nice. His enthusiasm over my weight loss and fitness improvement was obvious and frequently commented on. Even Saturday, as we celebrated my Great-Aunt’s 90th birthday, MB recounted his shock on seeing me Thursday, the first he has seen me in person since I lost the weight. It made me feel wonderful that he saw the hard work and appreciated the effort that Missus and I have put in to turning around our health and fitness.

At the party on Saturday my two cousins, the Doctors, were both overjoyed at the changes they saw in Missus and Me. Again, it felt wonderful. There were relatives who simply didn’t recognize me. Two cousins asked if I had “the surgery”. Sigh.

The drive to Maryland and back, more than 500 miles round trip, was tiring but it was a wonderful opportunity for Missus and me to spend some quiet time, just the two of us. I will be forever grateful to MR for watching the boys for us. On the way home we found a nice little Japanese/Chinese restaurant. I had vegetable in a teriyaki sauce with brown rice. It was very good. The vegetable dumplings in a spinach dough wrap were delicious. Missus and I split an order.

When you ride 40 miles and spend the day working at a bike shop you will burn serious calories and really run up the fitbit numbers!

When you ride 40 miles and spend the day working at a bike shop you will burn serious calories and really run up the fitbit numbers!

a fun ride today, hilly, hot, and humid but much fun....

a fun ride today, hilly, hot, and humid but much fun….

Today I rode the 16 miles from my home to the bike shop and then I led the 9:00 AM ride. We did a hilly 25 mile course and really had a good time. The heat and humidity were tolerable at that hour and the tree lined streets over much of the ride helped keep the ride comfortable. I had a great time with a fun bunch on the ride.
After a nice dinner at our favorite Indian Restaurant….. I am now relaxing and thinking about the work week ahead…

About That Sigh

I typed a SIGH above as a reaction to being asked about “The Surgery”.

I want to explain because I don’t mean to or want to offend anyone.

I have had NO surgery. Not Gastric Bypass, not lap band. Nothing.

I went a different path. I went a path that worked for me, that fit my life and what I wanted and what I thought I could accomplish.

This does not mean that I am negative about the surgeries or that I think people who take that path are wrong to have done so or have some sort of weakness or failing.

If the surgery is the last best option or if you have diabetes then I applaud you for your courage.

My sigh is because I am saddened that this is how people think. The think that a big weight loss is not possible without the surgery. Losing 35% of your weight is a big weight loss. Make no mistake about that. I find it disheartening that some people tend to think that a big weight loss must have involved surgery.

It can. It often does. But it doesn’t have to.

That is why I sighed. I have been asked which surgery I have had at least two-dozen times. Not did I have surgery. WHICH surgery. The assumption being I must have had surgery. I didn’t. I didn’t need to. Other do need it. For reasons medical science has not fully figured out, the surgery seems to cure type-2 diabetes. For reasons medical science has not fully figured out, some people have exhausted all other options for losing weight and the threat to their health is so severe that the surgery is needed.

I wasn’t there and I was able to change my life enough that I lost the weight and I am keeping it off.

Most dieters don’t.

That is the sad and simple fact.

So far… I have…